The word “muff” is an inoffensive, slang word for a vagina. Muffs can range from dainty and tight to floppy and roast beef colored. Some muffs smell fishy or sweaty, and others smell like skin or roses. Some muffs are hairy, others are bare, and some have razor burn or ingrown hairs. Females (and transsexuals) of all ages have muffs. There are baby muffs and grandma muffs. Most muffs have a week of bleeding, unless the owner is on some sort of contraceptive that stops the menstrual cycle or they haven’t gone through puberty yet or they’ve already gone through menopause. It is also the root word for Muff diver, Muffed, and Muff doctor.
Muff also tends to refer to vaginas that have pubic hair. Kind of like the word bush. A lot of women don’t like to look at their muffs. Women are taught that muffs are dirty and icky and should be avoided like the plague. Every woman should spend at least fifteen minutes of their life with a mirror down between their legs so they can check out what all the fuss is about. Every woman should stick a finger in there and sample their muff. Every woman should know how she smells and what she taste like. How else are you supposed to know if there’s a problem down there?
It’s important to keep a clean muff (like keeping a clean shop). Wash it every day or every second day with non-scented soap and rinse it clean really well. Don’t try to stick soup up your vagina. The inside part of vaginas are self-cleaning. Just like you don’t stick a soapy finger in your ass every time you shower, you don’t need to stick a soapy finger up your twat. In fact, you could cause irritation by doing that. You only need to wash the hairy part of your muff and between the lips. Everything you can easily get to without having to shove fingers up things. Kind of like how you don’t wash your mouth out with soap.
The other thing you should do with your muff is treat it as well as you would treat your best friend. Take it out for a nice dinner. Compliment it. Even if it doesn’t look so hot or if it seems kind of tired and depressed. Buy it nice things, like chocolate and romantic comedies. Sing to it in the shower. Confide in it when you’re feeling low and let it show you how good it can listen. And play with your muff. Play with her good. Show her a good time. Draw a hot bath and buy a good sturdy waterproof vibrator. Turn off the lights, light some candles and just go all out for her. She deserves it.
1. My muff is as soft as a cloud. That’s because I shampoo it and use conditioner.
2. My muff totally caught on fire in the school cafeteria once. If only my best friend wasn’t trying to hide her cigarette.
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