Every once in a while we get bored with the same old sex positions and the boring old routine hand techniques like the western grip or the shocker. When this happens, it’s time to try something new, or at least attempt to make a few variations to the old faithfuls. This is where “the minivan” comes in handy. Much like the tried, tested, and true “shocker,” the minivan also involves using your hands and fingers to give a girl the best orgasm of her entire life at the same time that you make a hilarious video on your cell phone to show all your friends.
The technical variations between the minivan and the shocker are somewhat slight, but they make a world of difference, in both pleasure to the female, and hilarity to the male. Instead of simply putting two fingers in the vagina and one in the ass, the minivan involves putting two fingers from one hand up the vagina, and an entire fist up the ass. Basically, it’s a donkey punch and a finger fuck all at once, and the results are absolutely hilarious. The name “minivan” was given for two reasons. One, it received the name because of the popular saying that goes along with the technique, which is “it fits two in the front and five in the back.” The second reason for the technique being dubbed the minivan is because it’s a particular favourite for Soccer Mom’s, especially when its actually being performed in the minivan. The reason Soccer Mom’s seem to love the technique so much is because they’ve been in a perpetual sexual rut for the last 15 years of their marriage, and the most penetration they ever receive anymore is about five minutes of monotonous missionary style while she lies on her back counting the watermarks on the ceiling. The minivan, however, is a quick and sudden reminder of what it really feels like to get penetrated, and it often reminds her of the good ol’ days back in college when she got gang banged by half the football team on a weekly basis.
But, life has changed a lot for them. Now, they have to rely on the quick and dirty minivan fucks in the backseat with the assistant couch, while their kids are out on the field kicking a soccer ball around for an hour and a half without scoring a single goal. If it wasn’t her lame-in-bed husband who drove her to the minivan, then it was having to sit through game after game of 6 year old soccer players batting a ball around like a herd of moths bouncing against a light bulb.
1. Don’t ever give a woman the Minivan if your wearing your graduation ring from College. It’s a messy scene.
2. The last time I gave a woman a minivan I ended up breaking a finger. She claimed she didn’t need any lube, but I beg to differ.
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