A Merlin is an artificial vagina used for penetration. It is a wonderful product, as is anything that gets my dick to cum. Artificial vagina’s are nothing new to the world. As a matter of fact, when a man puts his cock in his hand and spits on the shaft so it slides more easily, he’s really just creating a very cheap and effective artificial vagina. And one that actually grips, unlike most of the weak-ass vagina’s you end up fucking these days.
Kegels are key, ladies. Exercise!
The name Merlin is taken from the awesome wizard from the Arthurian Legend. Merlin was a powerful magician who fucked the Lady of the Lake in her waterbed. She ended up having twins, Luke and Leia. Luke used Excalibur, the light-saber that Merlin gave to him to cut the head off Medusa. Then he used the head of Medusa to turn Lancelot into Guinevere, who ended up also fucking Merlin in a waterbed. And that’s where the Loch Ness monster got its name.
The artificial vagina needs to have two qualities to be seen as desirable. First are the lube considerations. When I squirt a bunch of warming lube into this pretend pussy, is it going to leak all over the place? Am I going to short-circuit the thing while I’m balls deep, and end up electrifying my man-meat? Does it come with lube, or am I going to have to buy my own. Is it easy to wash the lube out once I’ve climaxed into it?
They certainly won’t let you return your artificial vagina once you’ve opened it up (literally), so thoroughly examine and inter-web research it before any major purchase.
The second quality of a good artificial pussy is volume. How loud does it get when I turn this thing on? Could I use it at home without my wife hearing it? Could I use it in the stadium bathroom at a baseball game and get away with it? Baseball games are so goddamn boring, that if I had a pocket pussy during the seventh inning stretch, I’d hit the bathroom and “relieve some tension”.
Shit man, if it was portable and quiet, I’d take it everywhere!
Let’s say some friend convinces me to check out their workmate’s band and it’s complete shite. I’d hit the bar bathroom and “relieve some tension”. Let’s say I’m at my boss’s annual BBQ and his wife is winking at me in her bikini. Hit his washroom and “relieve some tension”. Let’s say I return to the BBQ after “relieving some tension” only to find my boss’s seventeen year-old daughter is winking at me in her thong bikini? Back to the washroom, rinse out round one, and “relieve some more tension”.
Of course, I’d need the extra-large Merlin, because my penis is so thick.
1. On business trips Frank used his Merlin when he got lonely. Well, his Merlin and prostitutes.
2. If you’re in the armed forces, you’re going to need a Merlin.
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