Hymen refers to a thin membrane stretched across the entrance of the vagina, and is often broken during the first act of sexual intercourse or vaginal penetration with a penis or object. A Hymen is much like the foreskin for males; it is a piece of burdensome flesh that should be removed from the body as quickly as possible in order to avoid a lifetime of sexual dissatisfaction and social stigmatization. To learn more about the social dangers of maintaining your Hymen, please see Intact.
Now, women should not be alarmed by reading the above warnings. Hymens may be extremely dangerous to keep, but they are also ridiculously easy to lose. The majority of women lose or break their hymen when they are mere teenagers. Quite often while riding a pogo stick with a friend, one might land awkwardly on the handle, breaking the hymen and causing a small amount of blood to appear in the panties. This is obviously an incredibly embarrassing and shameful experience for young girls, but the true shame is in NOT breaking the hymen at a young age.
Other women will break their hymens by masturbating with various objects, such as household fruit, a father’s power tools, or the smellier but cheaper option, Schneiders Red Hots. In fact, a recent advertisement for foot long hotdogs used a parody of a popular phrase, stating “If it ain’t broken, stick it!”
Now, although many women will choose these safe, at home methods for breaking their hymen, it is important to remember that there is another option that is far more fun, and will make you a lot more popular at school. This, of course, is drinking. A recent poll conducted at orgasm.com concluded that 91% of all women lose their virginity while under the influence of alcohol in high school or early college. The study did not reveal any further details of how exactly binge drinking breaks a girl’s hymen, but why question facts?
Hymen’s have been socially taboo for hundreds of years. During the Salem Witch Trials, it was believed that witches received their magical powers from their Hymen, but because they rode around on brooms all day, their Hymens were extra tough and extremely hard to break. Hence, the burning of women at the stake. This ensured that the Hymen and all its evil powers would be destroyed.
In ancient Aztec cultures, it was believed that if a woman did not break her Hymen before her 18th birthday, everyone in the village would die. As a preventative measure, every woman presented herself to the village elders on the eve of their 17th birthday, just to make sure.
1. When Bettie had sex for the first time with her boyfriend, she never bled at all. She had broken her Hymen years ago when her bicycle hit a speed bump on the way home from school and she landed hard on her banana seat.
2. When Alex dressed up as a Hymen for the Halloween party, her Mother couldn’t understand what happened to all the saran-wrap and ketchup.
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