To hump means to have sexual intercourse. But don’t get me wrong. You don’t have to hump a person. You can hump just about anything. Why, just this afternoon I humped a banana skin I had left over from breakfast. It was wonderful. And, as an added bonus, my junk smells all banana-y.
I think I’ll head to the zoo tonight and get all the monkeys staring at my crotch, because they smell the banana. All the parents and kids and old people will wonder what it is about my genitals that have the monkeys so interested. I’ll turn to the people and wink, wordlessly saying, “It’s my penis. It is so incredible that animals sense its magnificence and have to stare. It’s like how they know when an earthquake is coming – they know when a fantastic penis is around.”
The women will blush and the men will envy. The old people will poop their Depends.
Then I’ll say, not wordlessly, “Thirteen inches.”
And everyone will gasp.
Then I’ll say, “Wide.”
And their worlds will explode.
Or, maybe I’ll take a nap and make some homemade soup. Either way, my evening will be fun.
I have humped a lot of things that weren’t women. Here is a partial list:
A pillow
A Twinkie
A pie
My right hand
My left hand
A sex doll (male) (deflated so I didn’t know)
A cabbage roll
A rolled up towel
The blowhole on a blue whale
The air (warm night)
The vacuum cleaner
Don’t get me wrong. Humping ladies is way better than any of those. Well, the cabbage roll came close, but a woman is still better. Once you have had sex with a woman, you can employ the “hump and dump”. That’s where you give them the benefit of your penis and then never call them again. You might employ this move for a number of reasons, too numerous to list here. It was first used by, and named after Humpty Dumpty, the egg that fell of the wall. We assume he fell. I think the chick egg he humped and dumped pushed him off that wall. Can’t prove it.
They call Wednesdays “hump” days. I have noticed that women do not want to hump on Wednesdays any more or less than any other weekday. So that’s bullshit. Maybe it’s like how nobody works on Labor Day. I don’t know. All I do know is I want more hump hump.
There are women known as hump junkies. These are amazing women that know the real power and pleasure of sex. Call me if this sounds like you. There are also women that are known as Gump junkies. They are women who watch the movie “Forrest Gump” again and again like it’s the only goddam DVD on the shelf.
Do not call me if that sounds like you.
1. Lexington Steele gives women a hump their vaginas will never forget.
2. Jason delivers a quality hump, ladies.
RELATED TERMS: