Premarital sex is the act of having sex before marriage. Sounds simple, right? Sure it is, depending on your definition of sex.
Let’s say, for rolling-our-eyes sake, that sex is penis in vagina (PIV) intercourse. Okay, fine. In fact, that would be awesome if it was true. Really, it’s not that hard to do about a zillion other sexual acts without having that (very rigid) definition of sex. To all the Christians out there, it’s all in the definitions. All gay sex? Golden. All lesbian sex…well, unless there’s a man with a dick and he’s sticking his dick into a lesbian, then hurray! Lesbians and gays own the get out of jail free card when it comes to premarital sex.
This begs the question: why don’t Christians love the gays? They’re waaaaaay better at that whole avoiding premarital PIV sex. Christians should be striving to be gayer.
Let’s say sex includes more than just PIV. How about we stretch it to include anal? Or perhaps, any penetrative acts, from fingers in a vagina or asshole, to vibes or dildos, to cocks. Well, that leaves pretty much anyone out who enjoys anything small or large inside any of their orifices, but lets say, for arguments sake, that there are a few people out there who only do oral, (and yes I’m aware of the irony of not considering dick in mouth to be a penetrative act, but just bare with me, I’m trying to make a point). They’re still golden right? Wrong. Guess what? Oral sex is sex. So how is oral NOT considered sex by some people? This is something that will never ever make sense in the grand scheme of the world’s greatest mysteries. If anything, oral is the most obvious sexual act. Your face is in someone else’s genitals. You are sticking your tongue inside a chick’s pussy. You are shoving your cock down someone’s throat.
Some geniuses seem to believe that sex is about procreation. The funny thing about that notion is that sex for procreation is probably at the bottom of most people’s lists when it comes to uses for sex. Here’s what a sample list would look like.
Reasons To Have Sex:
1. To get a stress release
2. To boost your elf-esteem/self-confidence
3. To feel powerful
4. To get something
5. To show love and affection
6. To make money
7. To get love
8. To connect
9. To satisfy desires
10. To stop fighting
11. To make your friends jealous
12. To process your daddy issues
13. To defy your parents
14. To rebel against your Christian upbringing
15. To distract your partner from buying shoes
……etc etc
96. To procreate
1. Premarital sex to Christians is what vegetarianism is eco-conscious hippies: something they strive to achieve, but ultimately fail at every time. In both cases, it’s the pork that does it. It’s always the pork. That delicious gateway meat.
2. Jana didn’t want to have premarital sex, so she let her boyfriend stick his dick in her ass instead. (HOW MANY THINGS ARE WRONG WITH THIS STATEMENT!!! JUST ONE!! ANAL SEX IS SEX!!! THAT DICK IN HER ASS EQUALS PREMARITAL SEX!!!)
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