Playing Mormon Baseball isn’t quite as hilarious as it sounds. I know what you’re picturing, a bunch of whiny, sniffling effeminate males dressed in pure white clothing and talking in creepy lisps while swinging a bat and winking with a smile in your direction, a smile that says, ‘I want your penis in my body,’ and a smile that says, ‘I know something you don’t but if you’re a good little boy I’ll let you in on my secret.’ In a nutshell, Mormons are fucking creepy.
Now, despite their overtly sexualized methods of trying to convert people, and their homoerotic tendencies of speech, Mormons are actually extremely reserved and VERY boring when it comes to actual sexual contact. Of course, that’s not very surprising. It’s a simple matter of physics. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Since Mormons abstain from all forms of sexual intercourse, including masturbation, but instead run around suburban neighborhoods trying to convert people, it makes sense that all their sexual energy would be transferred into their religious mission.
Alright, now that we have a better understanding of how repressed Mormons are, we’ll be able to understand the rules and dynamics of Mormon Baseball. Mormon baseball refers to the extremely mild and mundane ‘sexual’ acts and flirtations that Mormons engage in with each other, while still adhering to their gospel’s rules of abstinence. These mild acts of gratification can be broken down into three categories: solo, male on female, and female on male.
Solo Mormon baseball is whatever type of perversion a male or female can get away with that somewhat (at least in their desperately horny minds) resembles masturbation. Mormon men have been known to take weekly trips to hotdog factories to watch them disappear into the cavity at the end of the conveyor belt, while female Mormons can often be found diving face first into the giant play bins of plastic balls found in McDonald’s restaurant playrooms, usually rubbing their faces sensually and slowly with handfuls of balls.
Mormon men who want to flirt with a female in their cult will often mow their lawn in white pants and then kneel in the clippings afterward so they get massive grass stains all over their knees. Then, when he waves from a safe distance to the woman as he leaves, she will instinctively now that as a code for, ‘I want to get dirty with you.’ Of course, that’s about as dirty as it will ever get, but these people are so repressed that a simple household chore can give them mental orgasms for days.
If a female Mormon wishes to flirt with a male Mormon she will do things like eating mildly suggestive phallic foods like bananas, carrots, or certain chocolate bars in the presence of that man, or she might have a glass of non-alcoholic wine after dinner, which is a clear signal to the nearest male that she if she could, she’d suck your cock dry!
1. I dated this girl in high school who was such a prude I could barely get to third base after 6 months of dating. It was like playing Mormon Baseball!
2. If you’re in college and a girl doesn’t sleep with you by the 2nd date, move on. You’re not paying five thousand dollars in tuition every year to play Mormon baseball.
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