Tantric Sex is like the Iraqi Nuclear Weapons of sexual intercourse; it’s a myth. Only instead of being made up by Republicans, it’s invented by left-wing neurotic hippies who think that anything with the word ‘energy’ or ‘indigenous’ is mind-blowing gospel.
Originating in India, where people are actually spiritually inclined (unlike said poser hippies) Tantric sex refers to the act of spiritual sex performed by Hindus. Rather than shoving an erect penis inside a woman’s deliciously warm, wet vagina, tantric sex involves simple meditation practices and the transference of energy between two spiritualistic individuals. In laymen’s terms, two hippies sit across from each other like they’re about to do a yoga class, close their eyes, and focus all of their horniness toward the other person’s clothed genitalia. Only instead of actually unsheathing that genitalia and using it for what Brahma created it for, (sexual penetration) the couple simply pretends or ‘believes’ they are somehow receiving sexual gratification from meditating across from each other and withholding physical orgasm and ejaculation.
Now, although this is common in India and among hippies and yoga yuppies across North America, to the average person it’s akin to watching a good porno film but refusing to jack off. In fact, teenagers have been performing tantric sex for years unknowingly, simply by sitting at the back of the class in a deep, tantric daydream as they stare at the teacher’s tits or the tight ass of the girl sitting ahead of them. It’s not anything spiritually enlightening or sexually satisfying. It’s just what horny people do when they can’t actually have sex with the person they want to.
As much as I like to rip on the idea of Tantric sex, if you ever want to bag yourself a hippy chick then it’s a highly useful term to know. You don’t actually have to go through with tantric sex, of course. Instead, simply buy a cheap pair of Thai pants in Chinatown, dread your hair for a few months, and show up at the first yoga class you can find in your area. Wearing Patchouli and talking about soy alternative and gluten free diets also should help your chances of getting laid.
Now, once that class is over and you’ve successfully picked up your date and brought her home, bring up the idea of tantric sex without making any physical move. She’ll trust that your intentions are deeper than simply getting your rocks off, and before you know it, you’ll have her bent over on all floors on your yoga mat as you get balls deep inside her doggie style. She won’t even make you try tantric sex, because she knows as well as you do that it doesn’t work.
Caution to User: If this is your first hippy encounter, keep in mind that they rarely shave. Anywhere. They also think it’s perfectly ok to have sex on their periods, WITHOUT warning the guy first. So think good and hard before signing up for that first yoga class.
1. I told Violet and Keersten that I was into Tantric Sex, and before I knew it I was getting a double blowjob in the bathroom of the Yoga Shack.
2. When Sarah asked, Jason told her he loved Tantric Sex. After all, he often smoked joints and watched porn without jerking off.
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