The birds and the bees is the sex talk one has (usually parents) with adolescents. It’s pretty dated. Like, I’m not really sure who came up with the term ‘birds and bees’, but whoever did couldn’t have picked a weirder combination of species to talk about sex. Like, birds and bees don’t do it with each other, so why would we have both the birds and the bees in a discussion about sex? Who came up with this weird backwards storytelling strategy?
And hopefully your kids know what sex is long before they’re actually adolescents, because if they don’t know about sex and they’re already teenagers, you’ve kind of fucked up as a parent. By now they’re likely pregnant with a whole pile of festering STIs to deal with.
There’s been a lot of controversy when it comes to telling kids about sex. I don’t see what the big deal is. Kids will start wondering where babies come from as early as four or five. Tell them what they need to know, and it doesn’t have to be this ‘mommy and daddy love each other very much…’ bullshit. Lots of people love each other and never have babies. And what about lesbian and gay parents? There’s no need to leave them out of the equation. And please don’t forget to teach your kids the correct name for their genitals. They need to know that a penis is called a penis, not a pee-pee or a yee-haw, or whatever the fuck people have taught their kids to call it in the past. And girls need to know the word vagina, not bajingo. You want to know why it’s crucial that they know this stuff? Because if a child gets hurt or falls ill or has pain, they need to be able to explain what’s happening to them and where the pain is experienced. Also, if your child is being sexually abused and they try to talk about it (and hopefully you’ve taught them the difference between good touch and bad touch), they need to be able to describe what’s happening to them, or else the adult they talk to may not understand that they’re being abused. This is not about sex for pleasure. Of course a five-year-old doesn’t need to know about that yet. You taught your kid where her toes are and what her elbow is called, why wouldn’t you teach her the words vulva and vagina?
As for how babies are made, the conversation can be as simple as, a baby is made when two people decide that they want one. You need sperm and an egg to make a baby. A man and a woman can make a baby together by lying together in a special way, which involves the man’s penis going inside the woman’s vagina. If you’re two women or two men who want to have a baby, you’ll need to use someone else’s sperm or egg, so it often takes longer.
Then all you do is just answer whatever questions your kid brings up. And don’t forget to tell them about sex for pleasure and masturbation when they’re old enough so that they don’t feel shameful about any of it.
1. The birds and the bees have nothing whatsoever to do with sex.
2. My mum told me the birds and bees, but that didn’t really help my sex life. I got pregnant at twelve.
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