A bachelorette party is the same as a stagette party – it’s a big party, usually thrown by the maid-of-honor, to celebrate the bride’s last ‘single’ night. Traditionally this party would take place the night before the wedding, but nowadays it often happens weeks before the wedding. Nobody wants to be all hung over and swaying with shooter breath while they’re trying to repeat the vows that the Catholic priest who baptized you is getting you to recite. It just gets awkward.
I’ve been to one official bachelorette party in my life. It was for an old high school friend who I’m not super in touch with but I think her marriage is going pretty well and they seem to have kids, so that’s cool. Our other friend, the maid-of-honor, arranged for a limo to pick each of us up and drive us around the city for two hours before dropping us off at the bar where we had a private room reserved. There were multiple bottles of wine in the limo and I was both living with and in love with my best friend at the time which was a particularly uncomfortable experience for me and she was riding in the limo as well so I decided to make the best of a shitty situation and get black out drunk. It worked pretty well. By the time we got to the bar, at the ridiculously late hour of ten p.m., I could barely walk. I spent the rest of the night sitting on a stool and swaying from side to side while different friends held me mostly upright. I look absolutely hideous in every single picture taken that night. In one picture I’m actually drooling. You can see the spit and dribble along the side of my mouth. In another photo I’m showing the camera my cooch.
I decided not to have any kind of stagette/bachelorette party or any wedding showers or anything else that I think are basically gross traditions that make us all look bad and feel bad about ourselves. I don’t want to wear a dumb fake veil and drink a shot between some creepy dude’s legs and dance to ‘single ladies’. It’s dumb. I also don’t want a party that’s meant to represent the end of my ‘single hood’. I find this to be especially dumb. Why is everyone so obsessed with the idea that getting married is basically giving up your freedom and being single is basically a horrible existence? Can’t we all just get along?
1. I went to a bachelorette party and ended up making out with the bride. She said it was cool because she wasn’t married yet, but then she asked if we could keep making out after she gets married. Her fiancé is like a brother to me…well, probably because he IS my brother.
2. The next bachelorette party I go to I swear I’m not going to get so drunk that I throw up all over the bride-to-be’s hair. I swear that’s not going to be me.
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