The idiom ‘get off’ is slang for having an orgasm, or to be pleasured by sexual actions from yourself or a partner until you reach sexual climax and ejaculate. Other synonyms for getting off include getting your rocks off, blowing your load, bustin’ a nut, squirting, cumming, making a protein shake, or gizzing. For a complete and more in-depth look at all the ways a person can ‘get off’ please refer to either ‘fetish’ or ‘paraphilia.’
For men, getting off is easy. A few quick jerks from a western grip, and plunge or two down a girl’s throat, or 3-5 minutes of vaginal or anal penetration, and you’re like spider man when he’s falling from a building; his mouth is open and there is white stringy stuff everywhere. Of course, during masturbation men often like to have some sort of stimulation, which could be anything from porno videos, Sears catalogues, the trailers to Girls Gone Wild movies, or something as simple as visualizing your best friend’s girlfriend bending over in front of the fridge to grab you a beer.
Women, on the other hand, need far more technologically advanced and anatomically knowledgeable methods in order to get off. Some women can’t orgasm with a partner at all, no matter how hard they try. They have to be alone, in their sick and twisted labyrinth of sexual fantasies no man could ever live up to, while they use a battery powered sex god like ‘the rabbit’ and let it munch away on her vagina and clit like it’s a garden full of carrots. Other women are able to get off with a partner, but only through 45 minutes straight of perfectly crafted oral sex, which includes both finger fucking and clitoral stimulation, at two completely different speeds. And even that doesn’t work every time, especially if the woman happens to be mentally distracted, tired, fucking on a full belly, stressed from work, or any of the other twenty excuses they use.
Other women like to get off from porno, but it’s never normal stuff. It’s always two completely opposite extremes of the porn spectrum. Either they want soft-core lesbian directed porn that has romantic music in the background and everything looks like it’s been filmed with a sepia screen, while it takes the man 45 minutes just to finally put his penis inside her. Or, they’re the opposite, and they want the dirtiest raunchiest sex tapes they can find, with 8 dudes gang banging one teenage girl who’s on her knees crying and choking half the time, or there’s three domintrix’s who beat a big muscular dude so hard that he starts crying and whimpering the safe word he promised he’d never use. How is a guy supposed to compete with that kind of masturbatory fodder? We’ll never be that romantic and patient, but we’ll also never be that hardcore.
1. Sometimes, I like to get off to old videos from high school. Like the one that my parents filmed where my Prom date accidentally spills her drink down the front of the dress.
2. My favourite time to get off is right before a family Christmas dinner. That way, I’m relieved AND I feel dirty and taboo, which just turns me on even more later.
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