Archive for January, 2012

Sex In The Woods

Tuesday, January 31st, 2012

“Nature, that’s why I come up here.” –  Will Ferrell as Robert Goulet from Saturday Night Live circa November 2000.

Ah, the great outdoors! You smell the pine trees. You catch a fish from a singing stream. Streams can sing. Trust me. You hike through the wilderness, lucky if you can photograph a deer or some other animal you don’t get to see in the city. You see stars which is another thing you don’t get to see in the city. And after a long day of enjoying nature’s wonderful gifts, you can tell ghost stories by a roaring camp fire and watch some girl on girl action. Here’s Orgasm.com’s simple guide to sex in the woods. Get ready because after the jump, the forest’s never been this sexy.

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My First MILF Memory

Monday, January 30th, 2012

Everyone remembers their first encounter with a MILF. This is mine:

When I was little I used to play soccer. I wasn’t by any means good at it, nor did I think I could make a career out of it but my coach’s wife was smoking hot and it made practices more interesting when she was around. Mrs. Kiffen was younger than our coach, not younger by a few years, younger by 12 years. That’s a big age gap when your coach is 34. She was only 11 years older than the kids her husband coached! The girls on the team loved her because she knew who they were drooling over in their Tiger Beat magazines. The guys on the team loved her too because she had big tits, blonde hair and looked like a super model.

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The XXX Dangers Of Ass To Mouth

Sunday, January 29th, 2012

Ass to mouth. Raise your hand if you’ve been involved in that scenario. A few of you. Good. Personally, I’ve never had the pleasure because I’m kind of a germaphobe. I’m not against anal sex. That I enjoy very much and wish more women would be into it. But yeah, I understand that the first time might be painful. So here’s what you should do, have anal sex with another guy then call me. We’ll have a great XXX butt fuck and it won’t hurt, k? And you can guarantee I won’t make you suck my dick after. Before is fine, though. Anyway, the point of this post is to educate those of you looking for some ass to mouth action tonight and make sure you know about the dangers.

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BBW’s Are Better Lovers

Friday, January 27th, 2012

I’m going to give it to you straight; I had sex with a larger gal last night. She was a friend of a friend and not at all my type. Ladies, before you start picketing outside the Orgasm offices let me explain. I know body image is a big deal, I understand that there’s a lot of pressure placed by the media to be thin and I feel for any girl out there that suffers from low self-esteem or an eating disorder. However, I’m just not turned on by BBW chicks. No, I’m not into rail thin women and I do like it when a girl has something you can grab onto during sex like big tits or a huge ass. You know, whatserface from Mad Men? I’d totally hit that but the one from Bridesmaids? Not my thing. So now you’re wondering how I came to cumming with a big, bold, beautiful woman? It’s simple. Fattitude.

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May I Please Have A Dutch Fuck?

Thursday, January 26th, 2012

I’m seeing this girl. She’s nice. She’s got a good head on her shoulders, which is rare for me because the women I usually frequent are bat-shit. I’m not an idiot. I know that I’m naturally drawn to fucked up chicks and I’m trying to break the habit. The problem with dating tame girls is that they don’t always let you do stuff that you’d see in your favorite XXX clips like a dutch fuck. What’s a dutch fuck you ask? Well dear readers, continue after the jump and find out.

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Do Women Like A Good Facial?

Wednesday, January 25th, 2012

If pornography has taught us anything it’s that women love it when you shoot your load all over their face. This is called a facial and it’s a great way to get your splooge from sticking to the bed, or wherever you’re having sex. After you let loose your canon of white goo, the woman who receives it can daintily wipe it off with a tissue, and you can go watch football while she cleans the house and bakes you a pot roast. Not! Sidenote – we should really bring back that expression and perhaps “cowabunga”. Anyhoo, I’ll put my quest for the revival of 90s slang on hold and present to you the cold hard facts: Do women really like it when you cum on their face?

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Weekly Porn Star: Rachel Roxxx

Tuesday, January 24th, 2012

Rachel Roxxx rocks. It had to be done. Sorry. Sometimes a pornstar falls into our laps and we think to ourselves, damn I’d really love to bang her. Okay, we think that about most pornstars. Actually, we’re thinking about getting down with a bunch of pornstars right now. In this particular scenario we’re poolside and  - wait, let’s first introduce you to Rachel Roxxx and show you how she can suck a dick like it’s the Dick-Sucking World Series.

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The Slutty Origins Of The Word Slut

Monday, January 23rd, 2012

Slut is such a great word. We all use it; sometimes for good, sometimes for evil. If we think someone’s too promiscuous we’ll slap them with the SLUT label. Or, when we’re really into a girl and we think she wants it bad and we’re the only one that can give it her, she’s our little slut. In college there was this one girl, let’s call her Amelia, who would share my tiny dorm room bed with me on more than one occasion. Amelia was kinda nerdy but hot as fuck so I’d put up with her constantly telling me the etymology of words. Plus, she was flexible, which is key when you’re trying to fuck in single bed. In honor of my bookworm slut, I’d like to present to you the origins of the word slut.

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Marky Mark Doesn’t Need Masturbation

Friday, January 20th, 2012

In a recent Men’s Health article Mark Wahlberg happened to mention that he doesn’t touch his own funky bunch. Yeah right. Bud, we had a hard enough time believing that you’re taller then 5’8 in The Fighter, why would we believe that you don’t choke your own chicken? Everybody does it, even if it’s just once a month. How can the guy who gave us 1991′s smash hit “Good Vibrations” not give himself any good vibrations? Should he get off his high horse and want to get off, Orgasm.com would like to give Dirk Diggler some fodder he can use to stimulate his Staff Sergeant Dignan. Okay, we were really reaching with that last one. Hopefully you can forgive us after the jump.

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An Ode To Amateur Sex

Thursday, January 19th, 2012

You know when you first start banging and you’re just so happy to be fucking that you don’t care how or what you’re doing? That’s what is so great about amateur videos, they capture the “I’m so excited to be going down on this chick that I’m not self-conscious at all” vibe. They also capture the “oh gee, looks like I’m all alone. Might as well get out the ole dildo and see what holes I can stuff it in.” vibe. Amateur sex clips are all about losing the script and doing what most people want to see when they peep some pornography: people fucking they way they themselves would fuck. We don’t have makeup artists or hairstylists when we get busy with our girlfriends or boyfriends, we just get busy like this Orgasm.com movie, lil Hungarian whore.

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