Archive for the ‘Porn’ Category

Become the Woman of Your Dreams

Tuesday, September 21st, 2010

Have you ever wanted to feel like a real woman, without the trouble of nasty surgery? Well, you’re in luck, because now there’s the Seamless FemSkin III, that will allow our friends of the transgendered variety to actually transform into the natural shape of a woman. This may seem disturbing to those not in the market for gender reassignment, but I have to credit the designers of this product for coming up with such a fascinating product that mimics the female form so closely you might think you were in a free porn flick.

The FemSkin III is the most advanced, anatomically correct, female latex suit on the market. It fits snugly over your body, from ankle to neck to shoulder, transforming it into one sweet lady. It comes in tinted natural skin tones and contour pads to adapt to your own complexion and shape. The suit is specially molded to give you that sexy shape and perfect female form, complete with D-cup tits, a raised and round ass, and, most importantly a beautifully shaped cunt. No matter what your size, this will stretch to fit your shape and won’t tear or stretch out.

Man has walked on the moon, and now he can piss through a vagina!  This suit has a beautifully engineered pouch kit, which is placed over the penis and the catheter rolls down the shaft of your cock and has a tube that flows down to a hole in your new pussy. You want more? Well bend over – because theres a built in latex rectum to give you a penetrable anus!

It seems they really have thought of everything…

How to Have Marathon Sex

Tuesday, September 21st, 2010

A mind blowing orgasm each night is something that most of us only dream of while we’re busy being DJ Diddles. Could you possibly be the man whose name she screams again and again, all night long? If you don’t yet have the stamina of King Kong, or the skills of Gandalf the Great, you are in luck. Unfortunately, having sex all night is not as easy as showing up with a pile of lube and a rock solid cock from warming up to porn. So here are some tips!

Sexy Snacks

Sexy snacks does not include hiding a drumstick between your shoulder cleavage. Fantastic sex can burn a lot of calories, so more than likely you will need some energy to keep up an ambitious fuck marathon. Whipping cream, strawberries, bananas and pudding can all be a sexy light snack to give you another hour of power.

Make sure you feed each other as erotically as possible, and stay close to your sexy lady, too much distance can kill you chances of having sex immediately afterwards.

Saucy Shower

A hot shower can revitalize and refresh us at the worst of times. Cleanliness offers one benefit that you may not have considered – it creates less inhibition. You don’t want to wonder why it smells like a warm fish market as you make your way between her legs. Oral sex should always be an option during sex, and showering between multiple sex sessions can allow you to suck and fuck all night comfortably and cleanly.

Caress and massage your women, and make her feel relaxed. Don’t sit in the fetal position crying like usual, stand behind her, soap her up and wash her down.

Avoid Over Exertion

The secret to multiple sex sessions is to set a pace that you can keep up. Fast and furious might work when you have ten minutes of spare time before you go to work, however the aim is to last a while longer.

Slow and steady

If you want to cross the finish line in your sex marathon, you should practice these tips. The period after a sex session can be used as a refreshing break before you hit the sheets once more. A little bit of planning might make you a legend among the ladies, and one fit mother fucker.

The Kama Sutra Abridged: A Lazy Man’s Bible To Sex

Monday, September 20th, 2010

With all the performance pressure placed on men in North America it’s easy to get carried away during sex. The Reverse Spoon, The Lap-Dancing Cowgirl, The Butterfly Effect – after a while it feels like like you’re dodging bullets in The Matrix. Let’s face it, the average man is no Keanu Reeves – hell most of you reading this aren’t even a poor-man’s Mickey Rourke. So listen up: here are a few of the lazy man’s essential sexual positions (ie. positions you don’t have to be a porn star to pull off).

The Nocturnal Emission: Also known as a wet dream, The Nocturnal Emission is the sexual scenario of choice for obese cowboys and rodeo clowns. Of course, it’s not limited to those demographics, however a quick cross section will reveal that most obese cowboys do in fact prefer The Nocturnal Emission over say, The Splitter.

The Failed Push-Up: This position is similar to the missionary position, only it involves less thrusting. After all, once you’ve failed at an initial push-up, why attempt another? Just let your penis rest in your lady’s bucket of luke warm juice and wiggle a little. It counts as fucking and helps preserve calories.

The Lazy Dog: Similar to doggy style, this position is also known as Hide the Bone. If you’re feeling like a dingo, but not quite as rabid, you might want to try this out by sitting on top of your sexy skank and sticking your cock in just for a howl. Woof!

Jarred from Subway’s Special Sauce Surprise: Naturally, we saved the best for last. The beauty of The JFSSSS is that it doesn’t require much participation – just beat off until you’re ready and deposit a load of salty semen on your consenting lady’s lips. Hell, if you’re lucky, she may not even wake up!

How Did Man Survive Before Porn?

Monday, September 20th, 2010

There was a time, long ago that no man had free porn in any form. No magazines, no celebrity sex tape dvds, not even a playboy. You would think that primitive men would be getting turned on by the wind, with all that bottled up sexual energy. So, did we have other ways of satisfying our urge to orgasm?

Men tend to assume that an orgasm consists of draining the main vein, however we tend to find similar enjoyment in other activities that might give us some answers to why we get such a hard on for things that do not include women. We tend to include sexy ladies wherever we can, but when it comes down to it, guys tend to watch a lot of guys do things for most entertainment.

Through history, man has tried to prove who had the biggest dick in different ways, some more ridiculous then others. Lets take a look at some of the various alternatives to watching porn stars get fucked that got us off.

War

Men have a long history with war. There are many different reasons, but there’s a stigma that we are simply fighting each other to prove which ruler has a bigger dick. It could be religious, political, economic or for the fuck of it. Most wars capitalized on the fact that men like to fight, and the idea of watching Saving Private Ryan in 3D on the Imax would most likely make any man jizz in his pants.

Sports

Nothing gets a guy more pumped up than watching his favorite football team (in tight spandex pants) crush their opponents and do the touchdown dance. You’ll probably see some of the most testosterone fueled men orgasm at every hit, and nearly shit themselves when the teams are deadlocked in the last minute. It could be modern man’s attempt to fuel his bloodsport desires, or another aspect to prove who’s the bigger man. One thing is for sure, most guys get more jazzed up over their favorite football stars then fucking a sexy slut.

Fights

It seems like we human beings have a history of violence because we cant occupy ourselves with anything that doesn’t involve semi naked, sweaty men, grappling each other. One of the greatest sports phenomena that has pushed entertainment out of the norm, is UFC. You can’t help but hear tight wearing steroid using douches doing a circle jerk over their favorite fighter. What heterosexual male wouldn’t get turned on by seeing buff naked dudes stick their junk in each others faces and smelling the hot stank of waxed assholes. It’s for aerodynamics of course – they’re professionals.

The Popularity Of Celebrity Sex Tapes On The Rise

Thursday, September 16th, 2010

It wasn’t long ago that a simple celebrity nipple slip or playboy shoot made major headlines in Hollywood. With the rise of paparazzi and celebrity news sites on the Internet however, access to racy photography has become common and such pictures are no longer enough to drive public interest. Enter the celebrity sex tape. Popularized by Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee in 1998, the celebrity sex tape genre has experienced a rapid rise in popularity in recent years, and such tapes are now being marketed by celebrities to revitalize sagging careers or generate a rise in interest around new projects.

When a sex tape starring Paris Hilton fucking then-boyfriend Rick Solomon (in night vision no less) was released in 2003, it caused a massive public relations stir. In fact, public interest in Paris’ sex tape was so high that it led to Hilton’s role in the FOX reality series The Simple Life, which aired for 3 seasons. Before the world saw her fucking on film, Paris Hilton was seen as a wanna-be actress – afterwards she was seen as a star.

The star-making effect of the Anderson and Hilton sex tapes led to a glut of D-list celebrities trying to capitalize within the genre, such as Dustin Diamond, Amy Fisher, Tonya Harding, Joanie “Chyna” Laurer, Vince Neil and Verne Troyer. While this is an unfortunate byproduct of the popularity of free porn, there were some quality videos produced – see the recent Kendra Wilkinson tape as a prime example.

Of all the sex tapes to gain popularity over the years, Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart’s is certainly the strangest. The tape depicts the couple engaged in a sexual situation with former Miss Teen USA contestant Kari Ann Peniche, however the tape is edited to obscure the exact nature of the encounter. What is clear is that all the participants are high – with Gayheart referencing cocaine – check it out if you can find it, it’s bizarre!

With the popularity of sex tapes at an all time high, it seems celebrities will do nearly anything to remain newsworthy in 2010. While we dream of who’ll let their sex life out for the world to see next, let’s kick back, relax and enjoy some porn from our old favorites. Paris, Pam, Kendra – away!

The 15 Minute Orgasm

Thursday, September 16th, 2010

Becoming the modern day superhero known to sexy ladies everywhere as Orgasmo doesn’t involve a life study in tantric sex. Young grasshopper, the Yoda of orgasms is here to teach you the art of the 15 minute orgasm. You can turn that quickie into a orgasm that will leave her twitching for two hours if you follow my advice.

Sexologists at the Kinsey Institute in the US found that average women can orgasm after 10-20 minutes of sex. Learning how to prep your sexy lady with some pre-gasm exercises will stimulate her vaginal nerves and have her pussy warmed up for performance.

After you take her to a comedy show, or wait till she’s done her yoga class, have a few drinks of wine at your flat. Researchers at the University of Florence found that women who drink a glass or two of red wine are more aroused. Don’t worry if you cant warm her up with wine, as you can always try some free porn instead.

Now that she’s in the mood, it’s your turn to provide everything she needs.

15 Minute Mark

In the beginning of your 15 minute orgasm teachings, you will need to utilize the simplest of moves. Invest at least 3 minutes to kissing – it has been found to reduce levels of stress and turns a women on faster then a Brad Pitt autograph. German scientists found that kissing develops a connection chemical between the two of you called oxytocin. It will build trust and encourage lady to cum quickly, and often! Be sure you kiss more than her mouth. Pay attention to her neck and ears, while undressing her slowly.

12 Minute Mark

Your girl is nearly naked now, but keep her underwear on for another minute or so. “Stroke and caress her through the fabric rather than going for gold,” says sex therapist Paula Hall. “Focus on building anticipation rather than going straight for direct stimulation. If you make it seem like you’re in for a quickie she is less likely to orgasm as quickly. Women love a man who is good with his hands.

10 Minute Mark

Orgasms aren’t always about foreplay, however if you’re going to skip the foreplay, be prepared for a fickle fuck. Providing some warm up till this point is important in setting the stage for her explosive orgasm. Clocking in at around 7 minutes of solid penetration is the ideal time to push things to the next level.

7 Minute Mark

Inexperience men at this point will probably be asking themselves “next level?! isn’t is this where I unload on her stomach and say good night?” Any wise lover would know that this is where you bust out the power positions. Try bracing your feet at the foot of the bed, and rocking back and forward rather then thrusting. Stimulating her clit with your shaft while penetrating her g-spot is a move that will require some practice young padowan.

! Minute Mark

At this point, your lady should be clawing at the sheets and clinching for the final orgasm. Don’t try anything new at this point, since changing your rhythm will likely bring her down a few steps. Keep your pace and penetration the same until she is left convulsing in orgasmic splendor. If you are a real Jedi, you will be able to pull out and bust load all over those big beautiful tits of hers.

The Human Sexipede

Wednesday, September 15th, 2010

Director Lee Roy Myers and Tom Byron Pictures provide further proof that the adult entertainment industry is capable of creating a porn parody of nearly any major motion picture. The dynamic duo will be taking a cult classic horror film, and turning it into a gang banging, pussy pounding porno.

Fans of horror films have probably already laid witness to the a titillating fuck fest The Human Centipede, so it doesn’t take much imagination to figure out what the porn parody will be called. The Human Sexipede will transform the horrific plot that captivated millions of psychotic freaks around the globe, and turn it into a sex fueled romp.

The original movie revolves around a mad German scientist who sews three people together ass-to-mouth in an effort to satisfy his life-long obsession with conjoined entities. Why did Myers decide to embark on this project? Well, logic. ”I thought, ‘you know what, this is the perfect concept to base a parody around. Anything putting human faces that close to genitals deserves the porn treatment.’

Fans of porn favorites will know Myers others XXX parodies such as The Office, Seinfeld and Reno 911, but according to him, The Human Sexipede might be his Citizen Kane. He says: “In this version, three tourists in Germany are captured by a mad sex educator and he wants to sew them all together, mouth to genitals, and I am doing a slapstick version. It is a true parody and I think it’s one of the best things that I’ve written, at least one of the funniest things that I’ve written.”

The full length feature film will surely be a treat for anyone twisted enough to like the original, and desperate for a fuck fantasy adaptation. The porn flick will star such busty beauties as Sunny Lane, Amber Rayne, Keni Styles, and Danica Dillan. It will surely be a treat for any porn fans whom want to see their favorite porn stars sewn pussy to mouth.

Porn Presented at Pennsylvania High School

Tuesday, September 14th, 2010

High school is a time for growth – academically, socially, intellectually and sexually. Make no mistake, high school is a formative experience, and is often the first place teenagers are exposed to porn. Normally, this exposure comes in the context of peer pressure – perhaps a friend finds some old magazines in his father’s closet, or some free porn on the internet – but rarely is it due to school faculty.

This was the case on September 10, 2010, however, as 400 students in a Pennsylvania high school were exposed to pornographic pictures on a Central Blood Bank employee’s flash drive. Sure, we all have porn on our flash drives, but this seems a little overt – what ever happened to burying your porn in folders that aren’t linked to work? It would seem that blood boy was a little too eager to ogle the lithe naked bodies he enjoys on his computer. The school has released a statement saying that they’re “still trying to determine how [this] occurred.”

It’s a consolation that most of the kids exposed to the images displayed before the Blood Bank employee’s presentation have seen porn before, however this clearly creates a legal conundrum for the school in question. There’s no doubt that parents will sue in this case, as school really isn’t the place for their children to watch people fucking.

Apparently, the porn pandering employee in question wasn’t allowed to finish his presentation and the police are still mulling whether charges should be laid. Perhaps the nature of the porn shown should be used to determine our hombre’s punishment. After all, I could sure use more porn at work myself, and wouldn’t want to punish anyone who had only entertained.

English Family Accidentally Hosts Porn Shoot in the Garden

Tuesday, September 14th, 2010

A family in England was host to a recent photo shoot, however things got a little sexier then anticipated when the models proceeded to get naked. The Glover family was asked by several sexy young women if they could use their country side estate for the background of a promotional brochure they were taking photos for. The mother, Vanessa Glover, realized that their seemingly innocent photo shoot had turned into a soft porn photo op once the girls starting stripping and posing provocatively next to the family horse.

Mrs. Glovers 11 year old son was noted as saying “They’ve forgotten to put their pants on, mum.” The girls began to dress themselves in cowboy hats, leathers riding chaps and their birthday suits. The group of girls had originally booked an hour of rehearsal time at a village hall near Bishop Aukland, County Durham, across the road from the family home.

The father of the family, Andrew Glover, was on a business trip at the time, and heard of the surprise porn shoot after reading his 13 year old son’s facebook status. It read: “Result! A strip club just came 2 our door askin if they can have some fotos in our field! Get in!”

Mr Glover, who runs a media company, joked on his blog: “My son has frankly not been the same since the incident. And of course my wife saw it all. What a waste.” The father was more upset that he missed seeing some sexy young teens strip down next to his stallion it seems. He did not seem that worried that his boys had seen the naked ladies however.

The Hamsterley Village hall is host to bridge clubs, badminton and art classes, yet the mysterious rehearsal was booked by two men and the women. Those involved with the naked photo shoot have not been seen since. Mr Glover said: “It’s certainly not the kind of thing you expect in Hamsterley really. We have no idea who they were but my wife said they were very polite indeed.”

Its good to see some homegrown porn that doesn’t offend everyone. You may want to take the children to a friend’s house if the buck naked beauties start to do anything truly pornographic. Considering the unusual circumstances. It seems the naked photo shoot went over surprisingly well in the quite little English town.

New Google Feature Censoring Adult Content

Sunday, September 12th, 2010

“With great power comes great responsibility.” The wise words of Uncle Ben ring true for the super power that is Google. Google is a powerful tool that can be used for great things. Google instant search gives you real time results as you type – predicting your queries. Unless your searching for sex related things that is.

Earlier today, google launched instant search to the US, with an international release coming later next week. The search shifts will deliver results while you type, no kicking or hitting enter will be required. Simply typing the letter w will bring up weather forecasts, or the search you’re most likely seeking.

However, those of you sex searching all day wont be able to type in “tits” for example. Only a empty blank page will greet you, not the joy of our Dickipedia entry on “tits”. It doesn’t matter if your safe search is disabled, the instant results simply censor out naughty content.

When Google was asked about this feature earlier today at a question session, the director of product management said the friendly feature is being used to protect children. Limiting offensive content will allow the majority of users receive information that wont be diluted with sexual content.

It’s a smart feature for the site and will likely keep seven year olds interested in the pussy cat dolls out of trouble. Those of us who are adamant on finding free porn will still be able to do so with extreme ease, so don’t get your panties up in a knot. The decision to exclude naughty words might eventuality be remedied with another censor feature, for now though us pervs will have to continue to hit the old reliable enter key before going on our porn hunt.