Sex Toys are objects that are used to enhance masturbation or sexual intercourse, and they can be used with a partner, solo, or in a group scenario. Often these toys are inserted anally, vaginally, or orally, and can also be used as a vessel or orifice to penetrate, such as a handheld pocket vagina, or a huge mitt full of silly putty.

The possibility of objects that can be used for a sex toy is absolutely limitless. Young teenage girls have often used carrots, vibrating cell phones, hot dogs, and magic markers as makeshift dildos. Young teenage males usually resort to freshly baked pastry, play-do or silly putty, and even a well buttered bagel. It is important to try and avoid the obvious makeshift vagina, such as the pop bottle, because these devices often get stuck unless your penis is incredibly small. Adults usually go to sex shops and purchase commercially made sex toys, which are far more accurate and safe to use.

As everyone knows, celebrities often get bored with the average sex toy, and resort to live animals, insects, un-adopted Asian children, and semi-deadly weapons, for a sexual thrill or to spice things up in bed with their current spouse. In the early 2000’s, as everyone knows, Richard Gere reportedly shoved a live gerbil up his anus during sexual intercourse, which resulted in a trip to the ER and millions of dollars in future endorsements from pornography websites and black market pet stores.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are known to invite pregnant female monkeys into their sexual endeavours, as well as Brad’s extensive Pez Dispenser collection and Angelina’s taxidermy set of endangered species.

Some more popular and trendy sex toys on the market now include the infamous “rabbit” and the “We Vibe” and “We Vibe II.” While these are highly effective toys, they also pretty much replace any need for a sexual partner, so unless you want to be a single female covered in her own vaginal juices who is completely void of any emotional connection to other human beings, I do not recommend buying these products. As a healthy alternative, why not double your weekly purchases of bananas and bring masturbation back to the way it used to be when our grandparents were jacking off? Alternatively, Mennonite sausage is extremely thick, and wrapped in a burlap covering, so it’s completely sanitary and edible afterward.

Finally, if you’re going to purchase your own sex toy, then make sure you pick one that best suits you. If you’re into anal, then choose a bead, prod, or shaft; anything phallic and less than 4 inches in diameter. The same could be said if you have an oral fixation, only make sure the length is adequate for choking in case you want to take it to the next level, After all, it does get boring sucking on a piece of plastic every day.

1. Little Tommy couldn’t figure out why his Mom and Dad had a secret Lego collection underneath their bed, but when they came home their favourite sex toy was the load-bearing device in a red and blue castle.

2. Leanne never had any toys as a child, but her parents always tossed her an old sex toy when they got bored with it.

RELATED TERMS:

Masturbation                      

Masturbilia