When most of us think of the term Sex Panther, we start laughing hysterically as we remember the scene from the movie Anchorman, where the cologne is said to work 60% of the time, is made from real pieces of black panther, and is illegal in nine separate counties. But, Will Ferrell hasn’t been funny since he did that retarded Christmas movie, so we’re not here to talk about that cologne.
Sex Panther’s true, original definition refers to a woman who is at the peak of her sexual appeal, and the peak of her sexual performance. These are also the type of women who want to fuck all night long, without stopping, and they’re pretty much always keen. Female sex panthers are usually between 20-22 or 30-45, because these are the ages when females either first discover how to have an orgasm and how popular you can become if you fuck a lot of dudes, or because they’ve been having mediocre sex all their married lives and finally realize how good men who are not their husband can be in the sac. Another reason women in the later age group become sex panthers is because they are still painfully single and finally realize that they are never going to get married while they are still young enough to have kids. So, in some strange transference of uterus needs, the woman subconsciously thinks if she can’t stuff an actual baby into her uterus, then she’s going to shove as many male cocks inside her as she can to numb the pain of being a barren spinster later on in life.
In the spirit of not being sexist, male sex panthers also exist. These are usually of two types. One, it’s the man who has been dating the same girl since high school, and she’s an innocent little lamb who sacrificed her virginity for him when he was 16. He remained faithful to her because of that, but suddenly in college he has a sexual epiphany and re-awakening. He suddenly realizes that if he doesn’t get out of that relationship soon, he’s going to marry her and only sleep with one person his entire life. Thus, he dumps her, and starts banging a new chick every night of the week, becoming a male sex panther. The other, more rare form of male sex panther is the man who can give a girl multiple orgasms in a single fuck session. These guys are like the ninjas of clitoral stimulation, or the Samurai of G spots. If you ever happen to befriend one, then keep him close and try to learn all of his secrets. Then, when you do, pass them on to another friend ASAP because that sex panther Samurai is bound to kill you.
1. I once took Leanne out back behind the local Pizza Hut and banged her because she convinced me after a 6th beer that she was a total Sex Panther. Turns out, she was just a whore.
2. If you ever sleep with a sex panther, make sure you stretch first. You’ll be walking funny for days if you don’t.
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