NIGELLA EXPRESS: – Nipping downstairs in the middle of the night for a quick wank by fridge light. UK Slang, based on Nigella Lawson, a British cooking show hostess with ha-uuuuuge tits. Really nice, round, big, full, perky boobs. It’s why I watch the show. Not that her recipe for peach cobbler isn’t to die for.
The great thing about the Nigella Express is that with today’s technology, you can bring your laptop down to the fridge with you. Here’s the ultimate Nigella Express, for those of you who are brave to try it:
1. Before you go to sleep, start charging your laptop battery and bookmarking a porn clip you’d like to masturbate to. I usually use something involving a large breasted brunette, but it’s you’re Nigella Express. So, Nigella Express yourself.
2. When you wake up in the middle of the night, unplug the laptop and sneak downstairs to the kitchen. If you live alone, sneaking is optional.
3. Open the fridge door for some light. Sit on the ground in front of the fridge. Put the laptop on the ground and start up your favorite clip. Feel free to use anything in the fridge as a sexual aid. For example, a zucchini makes an excellent ass dildo in a pinch. It’ll be cold, so if you need to warm it up in your armpit for a minute or two, take your time.
4. Masturbate until you cum. I suggest finishing in a cheese single wrapper. Easy clean-up. Plus, you get a delicious cheese single slice as a midnight snack.
5. Pull up your pajamas, close the fridge, close the laptop and stand up. Remind yourself that you still have the zucchini in your ass. Pull down your pajamas, remove the zucchini, place soiled zucchini in the composter, pull up your pajamas.
6. Look up to see your mom/wife/home invader has been watching you for the last thirty seconds. The whole “zucchini removal” included.
7. Ask them not to judge you. Sexuality is a many-splendored thing. Return to bed, and sleep well.
8. Dream about a society free from the judging looks of confused family members. See if you can fly or breathe underwater. Find the hottest dream babe you can in your dream world and see if you can have some freaky dream sex.
9. Wake up with a smile. It’s a new day, my friend! Heck, watch an episode of Nigella’s cooking show and make whatever that day’s dish is that day! If it needs zucchini, go to the local farmer’s market and get a new one. Washing the “used” zucchini is not a good idea.
1. The wife’s on the rag, so I busted a Nigella Express last night.
2. Betty the lesbian thought about Jodie Foster while having herself a Nigella Express. Specifically that scene in “Silence of the Lambs” when Jodie is all sweaty from running at the FBI Academy. It made her cum so hard.
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