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Inbred


Person conceived of breeding between two closely related couples or someone with a very weak gene pool. The closer the relation the higher the chances of the offspring being affected by recessive or deleterious traits. Basically it’s when you fuck your sister or your brother and have your sister or brother’s baby. Cousins are allowed to fuck legally – they’re even allowed to get married in Canada and in most states – but you should definitely not get any closer than that. Speaking as the granddaughter of cousin grandparents on both sides of my family, things can get a little weird.

The coolest thing about inbreeding is that the more often its done, the more likely it is that the babies resulting from that inbreeding will be born with some really cool genetic defects. Like, they might be born with wings or horns and a tail. They might have claws for fingernails or paws for hands or their entire body could be covered in scales. There’s also the potential for a third eye, kind of like the three-eyed fish that shows up in The Simpsons every so often. The awesome part about having a third eye is that you can usually use it to predict the future or even see into the future. Or, if it’s on the back of your head, you can totally see what’s going on behind your back. It can be super useful.

Another rad thing about inbreeding is that sometimes your relatives are just so fucking hot because, well, they kind of look like you. If you can hook up with one of your relatives and reproduce with them you just might end up creating a super ego-boosting child.

If you are the result of inbreeding don’t take it too hard. With the Internet you can most certainly find support groups for your freaky suction-cup hands and the weird fur that’s taken over your body. You may look like Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf, but you can definitely find others who are just like you; outcast, furry, and alone. Then you can start your own inbred army and totally take over the world, killing all the ‘normal’ people and starting a new human race of genetic mutants. Everyone will dress like they do on Degrassi and everyone will have bad hair and greasy skin and we’ll all just want to sleep with each other anyway.

1. My best friend’s parents are cousins. He told me that when he was drunk and I don’t think he really remembers telling me. It’s a little awkward now because whenever I go over I keep staring at them, looking for the family resemblance. It’s also awkward because I’m pretty sure that’s the reason why my friend has hooves.

2. My uncle’s totally inbred. He’s a redneck who lives on a farm and stalks girls. He likes to stuff gofers and shoot pop and beer cans. He doesn’t like to shower and there’s usually a cloud of flies buzzing around him at all times.

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