To impregnate someone, in human terms, means to squirt your joy juice into a woman’s snooch, combining your sperms with her egg, and producing a zygote. That’s a “zygote”, and not a “Psi-goat”, which would be amazing because of how awesome it would be to have a psychic goat as a kid (ha! A baby goat is called a kid!). Maybe I’m onto something here…
Let’s face it guys: you don’t want to get anybody pregnant until you’re at least thirty. As soon as you do knock some girl up, you’re chaining yourself to a financial bottomless pit for at least the next eighteen years. Shit, eighteen if you’re lucky! I’m well past eighteen and I still bum loans off my parents from time to time. (You just can’t beat the no-interest loan from the bank of mom and dad!)
There are lots of ways to prevent the impregnation of a woman. The easiest way is to just have oral and anal sex. A lot of young women these days are adhering to these sexual limitations so that they are technically virgins when they get married. I am a big fan of this method of preserving vaginal virginity because it means a tight snatch for their husband on their honeymoon, and because oral and anal sex fucking rocks.
You can also use birth control to lower the chances of impregnation. Condoms are great for a lot of reasons, but suck in terms of sensation deadening for the man. The pill is almost fool-proof and can give the woman bigger tits, but sometimes makes their hormones all crazy, resulting in an emotional mess. Diaphragms are great, but aren’t even close to fool-proof. In fact, up to 39% of women using diaphragms get knocked up. No thanks.
The best thing to find is a sterile woman. God, they’re worth their weight in gold! Imagine – never needing birth control and never worrying about accidental pregnancy. Fucking heaven! A hot, sterile woman with money is all I’ve ever wanted in life. Well, that and a Psi-goat.
Of course, if you do knock a woman up, you can always pull the “impregnate and vacate”. It’s just a pregnancy variation of the “fuck and chuck”, the “cram and scram”, the “hump and dump”, and the ever-popular “hit it and quit it”. If she gets a good lawyer, you’ll still be on the hook for child support if they find you, so I suggest you hide somewhere in South America.
You can also avoid knocking a woman up by constantly “impregnating the drain”. That’s a colorful way of saying masturbating in the shower. Before you meet up with your lady for sex, take at least three masturbation showers. Whatever comes out during your fourth orgasm probably won’t have the energy to make it all the way to her egg. Don’t quote me on that, though. I don’t know your sperm.
1. I like to impregnate my keyboard before bed. Interracial gangbang videos work the best.
2. Don’t impregnate your sister unless she’s adopted and eighteen and into it.
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