To Wack Off means to masturbate. It is a phrase restricted to male masturbation, and usually implies a happy ending (orgasm resulting in ejaculation). For all the ladies out there that are insulted because of the gender inequality of the phrase, I apologize. To make it up to you all, I will now go and make my own sandwich.
Mmm. That was a good sandwich. We all good now? Perfect. Let’s continue.
The phrase “wack off” is very similar to “jerk off”, “jack off”, and “beat off”; and all of them mean the same thing – pulling on your wiener until it shoots out some man milk. Some people spell “wack” with an “h” (whack), but those people obviously aren’t concerned with the insane price of printer ink these days. Oh, we’re so impressed, Richie Rich.
When I masturbate (on the very rare occasion I don’t have a juicy pussy begging me for a deep dicking), I like to use a little bit of lube to help reduce friction with my hand. Ideally I use actual sex lube, but if I’m all out, there are plenty of options. I’ve used shampoo in the shower to wack off, spit when I’m camping in my tent, and olive oil if I’ve got some kitchen masturbating to do. Basically anything that makes your cock slide more easily, and won’t harm your dick is fine.
Personally, I think that rather than being called “wacking off” it should be called “wacking out”. Because nothing is really coming “off” when you masturbate (Jesus, wouldn’t it be terrible if anything did come off!) But there is something that comes out when you masturbate – the semen. So let’s get a grass roots movement going where we all start calling it wacking out. Let’s see if we can get it to stick. Pun intended.
I did an informal poll of all my friends to find out what their wacking off quirks were. One of my buddies still masturbates every night before bed. It’s his sleeping pill. The thing is, he’s married! I asked him if he masturbates after having sex with his wife. He said “What sex with my wife?” Then he laughed. But I think I saw a little single tear fall as he was laughing. Poor guy.
The best way to clean up after wacking off is to have some Kleenex handy. Just squirt your orgasm into the Kleenex, and then flush it down the toilet once you’ve pulled your pants up. I used to use my socks, but that got pretty gross after a dozen or so cum shots. My one friend told me he used to call his dog into his room after masturbating and getting the dog to lick up his cum. I nearly threw up picturing that, but then thought about how good a clean-up system that would have been.
Poor dog.
1. Gus preferred to Wack Off while watching his neighbor across the alleyway exercise and do yoga.
2. John Travolta likes to Wack Off while watching reruns of “Simon and Simon”.
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