A Zebra Bush, also known as a Skunk’s tail, or the elusive silver fox, is a slang term for the salt and pepper pattern a female gets in her pubic hair when she starts getting older. On Men, this is known as a “Dust Bowl,” and it isn’t nearly as attractive. On women, however, an aging bush can be as hard to find and just as desirable as a fur coat made entirely of North American Chinchillas.
If you’ve ever been on an extremely bad bender, and woken up hungover with your pants down around your ankles in a retirement home, you’ll known the strange combination of ecstatic joy and utter repulsion of waking up with a thick, gray female pubic stuck between your two front teeth. It’s one of the biggest mysteries of all when it comes to male sexual arousal; it’s something we’re instinctively attracted to, but are morally and intellectually repulsed by. We are helpless Moths fluttering towards a flame with gigantic, furry erections.
Perhaps it’s not that big of a mystery after all, when you really think about it. A Zebra Bush is like an endless supply of cocaine, but without all the crashing and negative consequences that come with it. It’s a vagina that can be tapped, but not corked, and by “corked’ I obviously mean impregnated. These women are far too old to get pregnant, far too young to have a stroke or a clammy vagina, and they are just the right age for the unbridling of a life time of sexual repression and dissatisfaction. They’ve hit that pivotal age where they want to try everything and anything in the bedroom, before that zebra bush turns into a snowy, withered up “white fang.” It’s no wonder men, especially young men, are so physically attracted to Zebra Bushes. We can bust a nut inside them all we want, and try out some of the dirtiest, most degrading sex moves we can dream of, and they won’t get pregnant OR call the police. If anything, they’ll thank us by taking us out for dinner at 4 pm with their most recent pension cheque.
It is important to note that Zebra Bush has a very different meaning in The United States than it does in Canada and Europe. In America, a Zebra Bush refers to a hypothetical political orgy involving three American presidents. If George Bush and Bill Clinton decided to tag team Barrack Obama, from a bird’s eye view it would look like a sweaty Zebra Bush. It’s not a pretty visual, but it might make the economy take a turn for the better.
1. When I was seventeen years old, I lost my virginity to a Zebra Bush. I had a little too much wine at my grandmother’s weekly bridge party, and by the time the games ended I found myself in the back of a Buick with my grandmother’s best friend.
2. One sure fire way to bag yourself a Zebra Bush is by hitting up Denny’s at Happy Hour, then taking your pick from the 4pm dinner rush. Treat her to a card party before taking her home, and you’ll be getting the best gummer of your life.
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