Everybody knows that girls have all the good sex / masturbation toys. It’s just a fact. They have shit that’s either compact enough to use while in the middle of a meeting or big enough to think that it’s a Rube Goldberg contraption. And really, it’s not about who’s being unfair to who or wanting to spark a revolutionary competition, we’re just wired differently, men and women. It just so happens that girls tend to be able to utilize robotics a bit more conveniently than boys. Well, gentlemen, welcome to 2010.
I remember back in the day when The Pleasure Chest in Hollywood first started stocking the pocket vaginas (that nickname has always been completely misleading because none of those bitches could fit in your damn pocket). My girlfriend and I bought the “Jenna Jameson,” named after her because the fake orifice you were going to take home and hump was supposedly made from a mold that was an exact duplicate of hers.
I really only bought it because we had just laid down, like $400 in toys that I was going to enjoy watching, but not really be pleasurably involved in, shall we say, and felt a little left out.
Did it work? Well sure it worked. A blow-up doll “works.” A hole in the couch “works.” An apple pie “works.” Was it anything like fucking a human being? Oh god no. And I thank my lucky stars there weren’t any camera phones back then because I’m certain she would have caught me with it quite often…and you don’t know how friggin’ silly that looks. Especially standing up.
Now we have things like the Fleshlight. A clever little device that looks like a flashlight, with a rubbery vagina / mouth / butthole on one end. These are great and even offer different sleeves (for tightness, variety, and now…just as before…replicated pornstar orifices!) and different options, depending on what size you are and how much money you’ve got.
But NOW it seems that masturbatory mensware has finally reached the jet-car age. NOW it seems we may have something on our sides that we can proudly stick in girls’ face and go “oh yeah? well you aint got this!” RealTouch has released a revolutionary product that takes sex toys for men into the “vibrator for women” level of things.
I’ll do my best to describe it:
You take your RealTouch hardware which is basically Fleshlight-ish in nature, and insert your penis. On the opposite end is a USB cable that connects you to your computer. You login to your RealTouch account and instantly have access to hundreds of POV scenes that are all specially coded to be used with your new toy. By “coded” I mean synched up to simulate what is happening on screen, with what the device does to your penis. So yes, with the help of mechanics and two articulate conveyor belts you are now masturbating without having to do any of the work.
Not only does the device “stroke” down, when Sasha Grey strokes down, and simulate delicate teases like the tip of a tongue-flick, but it also includes parameters such as pussy / ass tightness, wetness amount (apparently Bree Olson is very wet), and heat coils that add to the heightening intensity. You can even choose between oral, vaginal, anal and hand job.
Now, obviously one set back of the RealTouch is that it’s not something, I think, you can necessarily bring into the bedroom. Which is fine since there would be no need for it if you have a live human being waiting in bed for you anyway. In that case you’d be an idiot. But we all know how weird girls can get when it comes to porn.
The other set back is its price.
The RealTouch is currently selling for a fat $200 + $1.00 per minute of streaming video (and since it’s streaming you can’t replay without repurchasing). They do have an offer right now that includes your first 60 minutes for free, which is plenty enough to get you started. I don’t know about you, but that’s a whole lot of 20 second segments.
I was incredibly impressed by the selection of talent. Some of the library is exclusive and new, some of it comes from your favorite video titles. But without a doubt, a fantastic array: from Faye Reagan to Alexis Texas, Hillary Scott to Kirsten Price…with more to be added along the way.
It is also not yet MAC compatible…which is probably the only reason I’m writing an article right now, and not a review.
So there you have it. We may not have jet-packs yet but finally there’s a sex toy that stands apart from all the rest and once and for all gives men a truly “simulated” experience.
Tags: Free Porn, Masturbation, Porn, Sex Toys