Remember that weird chick from your art history class who had a ton of piercings, tattoos and looked like something Marilyn Manson fucked then tossed out of a moving car? Guess what? She may have scars on her arms from too many dates with a Venus razor blade (that moisture strip always gets in the way of self-mutilation!), but she’s now a gorgeous alt porn star. You’re probably like, “What is alt porn and why would I waste my time jacking it to that chick?”. Well, after the jump you’ll see why you should be jerking off to nude videos featuring alt porn stars.
Alternative pornography features members of society’s most misunderstood breeds. You have your goths: the Nine Inch Nails listening, all black wearing, Nightmare Before Christmas watching, Edgar Allen Poe reading, pale-faces. For some reason a large percentage of goth chicks are fat. I don’t have a scientific explanation for this, but maybe there’s something about Trent Reznor’s voice that makes a lady want to eat doughnuts. Goth chicks also rate very high on the Crazy/Hot Scale.
Next you have your punks: the no future believing, anarchy in the UK subscribing, Dead Kennedys listening, spiky-haired, leather jacket wearing, Oi! bridade. A lot of punk babes that you see in nude videos are really skinny. This might be due to the fact that they’re on heroin. Again, I have no scientific proof of this, but you never with girls these days. Is it drugs, an eating disorder or really fast metabolism?
Next you have your emos: side-swept bang sporting, Rites of Spring listening, tight T-shirt wearing, nonsensical poetry about how life is bleak writing, Andy Greenwald book reading, sluts. Yes, all emo girls are sluts. If you want your dick sucked, make friends with an emo chick. The best part is, you don’t have to feel guilty about taking advantage of a girl with low self-esteem because they’re all well-adjusted. They just pretend to be depressed because so they don’t have to pay to get into the Warped Tour.
Lastly you have your ravers: the ecstasy popping, electronic dance music listening, glow-stick waving, pants three sizes to big wearing, Angelina Jolie in Hackers, weirdos. I call them weirdos because I don’t get it. The clothes make the chicks look disproportionate and the music gives me a headache. I did own a Prodigy album in high school but it was the one everybody owned. “I’m the firestartahhhhh”, you know, that one. However, sex movies with raver girls tend to showcase women having intense orgasms. Probably because they’re all on E.
All four breeds shop at Hot Topic. They keep that store in business. They’re also secret fans of Good Charlotte.
Raise your hand if you’ve ever rubbed one out while looking at the Burning Angel website? Most of you? Great. Orgasm.com has sex movies featuring founder Joanna Angel getting her XXX cake and sodomy (Marilyn Manson reference alert!). She will also be our Porn Star of the Week next week so be sure to check that out.
Alt porn isn’t for everyone, but I do recommend trying it out. Sometimes it’s nice to watch some XXX sex movies where the chicks don’t have fake tits and fake tans.
Tags: Alternative Porn, Joanna Angel, sex movies, XXX