I’ve been rather disappointed by the current state of holiday porn (“holiday.” That’s right, not Christmas, not Chanukah, not Kwanza . . . Holiday). It seems the best offer this season has for my meat-pounding wishes is the same ‘ole gym-buffed model-type, doing the usual pornographic posturing, but in red panties and a Santa hat. A Santa hat. It’s not even like the hat is getting fucked. Sometimes the diehard festive types leave the hat on for the initial blow job, but by the time the dude in the Santa suit (Yes. Always some dude in a Santa suit) gets to sodomizing our little Cunt Cringle in her fruit cake hole, that hat is long gone and buddies fake beard is laying on the floor. For all practical purposes we are now watching the same old porn we’ve seen a thousand times with one exception. There is a Santa hat on the floor.
When do I get to watch some dick hard clit jockey finger a snowman? Is that little dentist elf ever going to slowly unbutton his adorable wee blue waist coat and cobble himself to climax before the Bumble Snow Monster whips his hairy milk-white monster cock out and escorts a handful of misfit sex toys up his Yeti chute? Need I remind you that the snow monster had his teeth removed? Slut in a red bikini and a Santa Hat is fine, but maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t mind having a hot rub inside that toothless furry Monster face. Maybe I’d like to watch some herd mammal with a glowing red anus help the jolly old elf find more than his way.
Porn Mongers! Step it up! I want 8-way menorah penetrations. Gift-wrapping bondage. Icicle fucking. The Grinch that stole your Penicillin. Anal dradles. Charlie Brown with the smallest, least celebratory, withered little prick and a beagle in a leather flight helmet. Rabbis with gingerbread dildos riding polar bears and juggling buttock implants across a snow-laden field on their way to Grandma’s house for oven mitt HJ’s shot into candy-filled stockings.