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In military terms Tap Rack Bang is the first solution to a failure to fire. In the bedroom it’s a smack on the ass, a tit fuck, and a load deposit. Pretty simple. It’s good key advice for anyone in the middle of a one-night-stand that’s moving along at a snail’s pace or for someone who wants to show their ‘experimental side’ without getting into whips and restraints all of a sudden. Some chicks love a good ass smacking but others are totally shocked by it and, while they all end up loving it regardless, some just don’t know how to handle it at first. We’ve all been brought up under the impression that ‘violence against women is WRONG’, and that includes ass slapping right? RIGHT? So wrong. I’m a firm believer that a good ass smack can save a relationship. I also believe that women have nice juicy round asses because they need to be smacked. Asses were made to be smacked just like twats were made to be fucked, asses were made to be pounded and mouths were made to be loaded with jizz. It’s not my decision, it’s God’s. You don’t like it, call him.

The tit fuck is a pure classic, though a lot of people forget to incorporate it into their fucking. Also, it doesn’t work that well with small tits. The chick’s tits have to be more like boobs or even jugs to make it really worthwhile. She’s got to be able to squeeze those puppies together and really make a nice firm cup holder around the penis. Then she’s got to slide them up and down on the cock and move her chest. It also wouldn’t hurt if she licked and sucked on the head of the guy’s cock while he titty fucks her.

The load deposit part is obvious, though you can deposit that load any way you fancy. You can even go ahead and come all over her tits while you’re titty fucking her. But usually it’s nice to plunge your cock into her cunt and just fuck the shit out of her for awhile. Chicks like that.

I should also note that women in lesbian relationships should also be smacking the shit out of each other’s asses. I know some women feel weird about this, particularly about being the smacker, but you really shouldn’t. Not only does a lesbian ass want a good smack, she craves it. How else is she gonna know who’s the top?

1. My girlfriend loves it when I smack her ass and then give her a titty fuck. Usually I finish in her mouth while she makes herself come with her hands. It is so hot, watching her come while I fuck her mouth. She loves getting the ol’ tap rack bang.

2. I want to tap rack bang the shit out of her. Her fat ass looks like it could use a couple of decent smacks and then a good hot fuck.

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Facial

Tit Fuck

I like the fact that the word “penetration” and the word “penis” start off with the same three letters. Don’t you?

A triple penetration is a pretty advanced move for most women. Organizing a foursome with three guys and having each of them in a different hole all at once is a lot of work. Don’t get me wrong, girls – it’s totally worth it. But it does take some effort. What is a little bit easier is having a threesome, and using a sex toy for the third orifice.

I remember the time a buddy of mine asked me if I wanted to have a threesome with him and his wife. It would be their first threesome. We had all been friends since college, and I had always found his wife attractive, so I said sure. We started off by just switching back and forth between her pussy and mouth. She was loving it. But while I was fucking her in doggy style position, I decided to see if I could go back door.

I pushed the head of my dick into her ass, and she didn’t stop me. After that, it opened up a bunch of different possibilities. He fucked her pussy while I fucked her ass and vice versa. I fucked her mouth (after I had cleaned up) while he rammed her ass. It was great. Then, to my surprise, she reaches over, opens up her bedside table, and pulls out a huge rubber dildo. It was triple penetration time.

I stayed in her mouth and her husband stayed in her ass. She put the dildo into her pussy and started sliding it in and out, matching her husband’s rhythms in her asshole. I could feel her moaning vibrations on my dick as she experienced her first triple penetration. Then I moved to her pussy and fucked her while she sucked her cunt juices off her dildo. She was in heaven. After three hours of sheer bliss, and untold orgasms for everyone, we showered and said good night. Ever since then, we get together for a threesome every year or two. Always a good time. Especially for the woman.

In fact, triple penetrations aren’t really that great for the guys. First of all, you have to see some other dude’s junk. Never a turn on. Second, his balls are going to slap against yours if you’re in her ass and he’s in her pussy at the same time. Awkward. But the woman loves it. Who can blame her? Chicks love sucking dick, getting their pussy fucked, and getting their asshole stretched. Imagine all three AT ONCE.

Good times.

Give it a try, if you’re relationship can handle it. Remember to use condoms!

1. It didn’t surprise me when Lisa had a Triple Penetration story.

2. Interracial Triple Penetrations are awesome.

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Gang Bang

Orgy

There were around 1000 distinct Tijuana Bibles printed in total, and were spread all over the country. They parodied popular comic book characters most, so Popeye (one of the most popular back in the day) and others would often be the main characters. So, instead of eating spinach and saving Olive from Bluto, Popeye would probably double-team her with Bluto. Then Wimpy would join them and they’d triple-penetrate her skinny body until she had her fiftieth orgasm.

Blow me down, indeed.

Many people thought that they were published in Tijuana, hence the name. However, most were published in America. They are called Tijuana Bibles because back then Tijuana was synonymous with immorality, and adding “Bible” just made it even more blasphemous and risqué. If you want to learn about God, the Tijuana Bible will not help you. Although, I’m sure a lot of the characters in the Tijuana Bibles scream God’s name when they’re bumping uglies.

If they were to start making Tijuana Bible again, the strips I’d like to see them parody would be the goodie-goodie strips in today’s newspaper. I’d like to see the mom and dad from “Family Circus” in their homemade dungeon in their basement, with the mom dressed up like a Dominatrix whipping the dad while he crawls around in a diaper. I’d like to see Dilbert and all his co-workers gangbang that woman with the silly hair in his office. I’d buy a newspaper ever day if that was in the comics section.

Of course, today we have things like Hentai and porn toons. But these are all just the grandchildren of the Tijuana Bible. Who doesn’t like watching some really kinky hentai? A bunch of super hero women with gigantic boobs and magic powers fighting a super-villain with a cock the size of a bowling pin. No matter who wins, it’s hot all right.

If you’re interested in reading some Tijuana Bibles, ask your grampa if he’s got any stashed away somewhere. Odds are he does. I asked my gramps if he had any, and he showed me a stash that he had collected when he was a young man. My favorite was a parody of Betty Boop where Betty meets a bunch of black guys and they have an orgy together. They treated Betty right.

1. When Lyle was on his way to fight the Germans in World War 2, he knew he wasn’t going to see a woman for months at a time. He made sure to pack his collection of Tijuana Bibles for masturbation purposes.

2. Tijuana Bibles have more blowjobs that the regular old Bible.

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Hentai

Porn

All jurisdictions are different when it comes to what is acceptable in strip clubs. Some allow touching, some do not. Some allow VIP dances in private booths, and some do not. My advice is to find the nearest strip club that has the middle-of-the-road strippers, and see just how far you can make your dollar stretch. If you go to a high-end strip club, you’ll end up waiting forever to get a table dance from the hot strippers. If you go to a low-end strip club, you’ll end up vomiting when the gross dancers won’t leave you alone.

Find an average strip club, and get the hottest dancer you can find. Because she’s up on top of your table, it’s a great point of view to seeing her pussy and boobs from below. If you can get away with it, turn your camera phone on and put it in your lap so you can get the whole thing on tape for later. Don’t let your wife see the video, otherwise you’ll have to explain why you spent your kid’s college money on a twenty year-old with huge tits, shaking her money-maker in your face for half an hour.

I fucking love strip clubs. I try to find the stripper with the hottest body, and the eyes of someone severely medicated on illegal drugs. Since you’re going to be watching from below, the face doesn’t really matter. You won’t be able to see past her tits anyway. So, if there is a butter face in the club (hot body, but her (butter) face is terrible), get her to give you a few table dances. If you’ve accidentally spilled your drink earlier in the night, you might want to warn her, so she doesn’t slip off the table and crack her head open.

When you buy a table dance from a stripper, you’re renting her for exactly one full song. You might try to beat the system by waiting until they play ‘Stairway to Heaven’ before asking for a table dance. It won’t work. Every song is exactly timed at three minutes. If the actual song is longer than that, the DJ will just fade the music out. Believe me, I’ve tried.

Oh, if there is a stripper than can do the splits both ways, be sure to get a table dance from her. Flexibility is key with stripper performances. Trust me.

1. Beth was nervous that someone she knew would see her Table Dancing at the local strip club. She was less nervous after a co-worker gave her some heroin.

2. Table Dancing might seem degrading, but a quality stripper makes $100,000 a year.

RELATED TERMS:

Lap Dance 

Stripper

That’s why I’ve started referring to it as “A&T”. A lot of my friends think I’m talking about AT&T at first. It’s not going to be easy to convince the world to change to “A&T”, but I’m not going to give up easily. Besides, what the fuck else am I going to dedicate my life to? Something meaningful? Nah.

Ideally, a woman has big tits and a firm, round ass. However, all combinations somehow work. A woman with a small set of tits but a great ass is still hot. A woman with medium tits and a little ass is still bang-able. There is no wrong combination, so long as the woman is not too chubby. And even then, if she’s got a huge set of boobs and a relatively normal sized ass, I’ve still been known to climb on top after a half-bottle of rye.

For doctors who talk about T&A, you should know that they might be talking about a tonsillectomy and appendectomy. Usually the two operations go hand-in-hand, just like tits and ass go in your hands. But since doctors make so much money, they probably get a lot of tits and ass too. It’s not enough that they can prescribe themselves medical marijuana. No, they get all the premium girls too. Unfair.

There is a humorous variation being used by the soldiers fighting in Afghanistan. When they say “T&A” they have changed the acronym to mean “toes and ankles”, because most of the women there wear burkas that completely cover their bodies. It must be frustrating to be surrounded by men all day and night, and when you do come into contact with a woman, you can’t see a goddam thing on her body. Sorry guys – hopefully the next war is in some South Pacific country where the native women are all topless all the time. Does Fiji have any oil?

I suppose the ladies’ equivalent of T&A for men could be C&A. That’s cock and ass. With today’s modern trousers, which seem to accentuate the male package, C&A are more visible for today’s woman. Guys, don’t be afraid to stuff your pants with socks. God knows with all the Wonderbra deception that’s going on, it wouldn’t be uncalled for.

1. I was minding my own business when all of a sudden I was confronted with a porn clip featuring Gianna Michaels and her huge T&A. What else could I do except strangle myself while I masturbated to orgasm?

2. I fucking love T&A.

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Ass Fuck

Tits

Of course, there is also a really good chance that you just got an erection because a really hot girl was rubbing extremely close to your junk, or maybe you just hadn’t been laid in a long time and got a little comfort wood while you were listening to the Buddhist meditation music and getting oiled rubbed on your body. HOWEVER, if my detailed little description above gave you an instant hard-on just by reading it, then you are definitely a Tripsophiliac.

Tripsophilia is actually a very common fetish, and it is responsible for creating the first rub and tug massage parlor. It probably started off with a single customer, lying on his back with an erection shooting up like a tether pole, begging the masseuse to help him out. A little cash exchanged hands, an extra bit of tip money, and before you know it there’s a geyser of semen staining the ceiling and covering that masseuse from head to toe.

1. If you’ve got Tripsophilia, then don’t waste your money on a Rub and Tug or a legitimate massage parlor. It’s far cheaper to just pay a hooked to rub your back as she jerks you off.

2. Tripsophilia is the reason massages are covered by OHIP in Ontario.

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Fetish

Hand job

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A topless bar is a striptease club. So, a place where the chicks go topless but they never quite get to the nitty gritty of their junk. It’s a tease. A sex club without the lap dances or the sex, but a whole lot of titties. Oh titties.

I’ve never been to a topless bar, just a regular strip bar, but I’d be happy to go to one. The only thing is that I’d be overly concerned with taking a good long stare at every pair of tits I saw because I love me some titties. It’s hard not to. They’re so round and firm and in your face. And when they’re real, all the better. Did you know that Katie Holmes has fantastic tits? You wouldn’t think so, cause she’s so friggin skinny, but there’s a movie (I forget the name of it and I haven’t actually seen the movie itself, just the one scene) where she’s basically just wearing shorts and this white button up blouse that’s unbuttoned in the scene and she’s fighting with some guy (I think it’s Kevin Bacon…no, it’s what’s his name…the gay dude from ‘As Good As It Gets’) and he keeps ripping her top open to expose her breasts. And Oh. My. God. They are amazing. You’d think they’d be all tiny and pointy, but they’re actually round and plump. They have a shape to them, a beautiful half-moon curve and her nipples are nice and perky and just sit perfectly in the middle (upper-middle, actually) of her tits and you can tell that the whole area is real because her boobs definitely move, but they just jiggle enough to prove to you that they’re real, but not enough to be slapping all over the place and knocking her unconscious.

But I digress.

Okay, I have to digress back. I love Katie Holmes. Like, she’s still too skinny to really want to fuck, but I fell in love with her back when she was that teenager from the wrong side of the tracks on Dawson’s Creek, and I fell even deeper in love with her when she was in Thank You For Smoking. And I’m willing to look past the whole Tom Cruise fiasco, especially now that I know she has such smokin hot tits. There’s something about her. She’s sassy and a bit of a firecracker and kinda sexy but also kind of girlish and isn’t the best actor but isn’t bad and sometimes she can really nail it (though her best roll really was Joey in season one of Dawson’s creek).

All this to say that I wish she worked at a nearby topless bar so I could stare unabashedly at her perfect perfect tits.

1. If I opened up a topless bar, I’d call it Titties for Tourists. Oh, and I’d open it in Hawaii.

2. Tits are for titillating and tantalizing, not for trivializing. Come to Titties for Tourists and enjoy a true vacation. Don’t forget to tip, you cheap bastard.

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Stripper

Tits

Tongue-fucking a woman is definitely hard work but it has some serious benefits. First of all, she will love you forever. If you’re good with your tongue and really know how to work her clit, she will do anything for you. The most important thing is to vary your strategy and technique without being so all over the place that she can’t get the focus to achieve orgasm. Most women need fairly regular and consistent clit stimulation to reach orgasm, so if you’re giving her a few licks and then moving your face all around her pussy, she’s more likely to just get irritated, and then downright pissed.

A few hints:

1. The figure eight motion. This works wonders when working the clit, especially at the beginning, when you’re just getting her relaxed and in the mood. You can go fairly slow at this point and pay close attention to her breathing and the noises she makes (if she’s too self-conscious to make noises, tell her she has to or you won’t know what the hell you’re doing or how you’re going to get her off). There are other signs to pay attention to as she gets closer, like what she does with her hands (is she pulling your hair or squeezing the sides of your face, is she gripping the bed frame or pulling at the sheets? These are all very good signs that you’re on the right track), and her thighs (is she squeezing the fuck out of your head with her thighs? Also a good sign), and if she’s twisting and wiggling around and can’t seem to keep still, bucking and thrusting her hips, definitely a good sign.

2. When she tells you ‘don’t stop’, DON’T STOP, even for a split second. That could be the difference between a huge orgasm and a small roll over the hill.

3. Learn to make your tongue stiff as a board and press as hard as you can against her clit. Most women need a lot of stimulation.

4. Slip a finger inside her. Every once and a while, give the lips of her vulva a kiss or a lick.

5. Whatever you do, don’t go down on her for five minutes and then look up at her with lobster eyes that basically say ‘am I done yet?’. Oral sex is for the masters, so if you pride yourself on having any sexual skill at all, you’ll be willing and happy to stay down there all night if you have to. In fact, your dick (or strap-on) will get hard while you’re doing it.

1. I’m gonna tongue-fuck you so hard you’re gonna cum out of your eyeballs.

2. Man, I love a good tongue-fuck.

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Cunnilingus

Oral Sex

Most Japanese people believe that the ancient art of Tekoki only goes back as far as Geisha girls, and became popular from their adept skills at making old men explode into their Kimonos. However, according to prominent Japanese historians, Tekoki actually goes back as far as the Samurai days, when local farmers and citizens trained in martial arts secretly at night in order to fight off evil warlords who might come to ransack their villages. The most popular form of martial arts studied at this time was ‘karate-do,’ but the original intention of this art is lost on today’s modern Dojos.

-You see, ‘kara’ means “empty,” ‘te’ means hand, and ‘do’ means way, so put them together and you have “way of the empty hand.” Modern Sensei’s all over the world have wrongly interpreted that to mean that karate is the study of unarmed self-defense, but in reality it was an art form directed towards Farmer’s wives, trying to teach them the delicate art of making their husbands blow their loads with a few quick thrusts of an empty hand. The name was created with a second, more implicit meaning in mind, which was the subtle message that if a woman’s hand was empty, she should probably put a penis in it.

Of course, just as karate has evolved, so has the ancient art of Tekoki. In southeastern regions in Japan, Geisha girls soon learned to adapt their Tekoki technique to include Sorewo Suu, which in English literally translates to “suck it.” Similarly, in Okinawa they learned to modify their Tekoki to include the pivotal “ga ga” (grab grab), which involves grabbing the testicles in one hand as you stroke the man’s cock with the other. And of course, considering Japan is one of the most sexually repressed (and therefore, sexually kinky) countries in the world, most of these Tekoki techniques have been quickly picked up by high school and elementary school girls looking to make some extra cigarette money from their teachers, and it has also become quite popular among the fecal matter enthusiasts, who use shit and urine as Mother Nature’s best lube.

1. When I was an English teacher in Japan, I got a Tekoki before and after every class. Parent teacher night was even better. Let’s just say, like mother like daughter.

2. If you’re going to get a Tekoki at a Sushi restaurant, make sure they hold the Wasabi. That stuff burns worse than Gonorrhea.

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Hand job

Jerk Off

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A Tropical Wind occurs when, while getting your asshole eaten out by someone, you break wind and shoot your fart into their mouth. The reason it is called a Tropical Wind is because your fart is like the warm, moist air in the tropics. This move can be performed on a man or a woman, but it must be done without warning the person. The fart has to be a surprise.

Normal fart protocol during oral sex is pretty straight-forward in my relationships. I’m a firm believer in stopping the oral sex to expel the fart outside the bed, and then resuming the oral sex. We’ve all been receiving oral sex when we feel that fart brewing. There’s that little voice that tells us that we can sneak it out, make it a silent one, and keep getting the head. Don’t listen to that voice. Even the quietest fart noise can be heard by the person who is giving you head. Their face is right there. Plus, the silent ones are often the most vile smelling. So, even if you sneak it by their hearing, you can’t fool their nose.

Admittedly, it is pretty funny when a woman realizes you’ve snuck a fart out while she’s blowing you. She smells it, slows down the oral sex, and then stops. Then she looks up, takes your dick out of her mouth and asks, “Did you fart?” If you’re like me, at this point you’re laughing hard and admit that you did fart. She’s usually pretty offended, stops the oral sex, and pouts angrily on the bed beside you. You might be able to salvage the sex with some tender talk and kissing, but she’s not going to give you head for at least a week. It’s usually worth the blowjob boycott to see her fart-grimaced face.

The Tropical Wind is a little different because they person is giving you analingus before the fart. Their mouth is already right on the blast zone. I usually reserve the Tropical storm for nasty skanks that I pick up at the bar. I know I’m not going to see this person again, so why not? Plus, any slut that’ll stick her tongue in your asshole the first night you meet might actually get off on the nastiness of the Tropical Wind.

I try to time the Tropical Wind right when their tongue is inside my anus. It’s still great even if she’s licking around my anus, but vibrating her tongue with a rockin’ fart while it’s inside my asshole is the best. They usually try to pull away, but my asshole muscles are so strong that I can clench down and hold their tongue in there so they can’t get away. It’s fun to watch them struggle to release themselves from my locked-down anus. I usually make them go crazy for about five seconds and then let them go.

1. I would pay to get a Tropical Wind from Kim Kardashian.

2. I’m serious, Kim Kardashian. Please let me give you a Tropical Wind.

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Analingus 

Glass Bottom Boat