Often young teenage males who finally get a girlfriend and start getting vaginally laid, soon start to get bored with their missionary, church camp type of sex life because it doesn’t even come close to comparing with the years of pornographic sex moves they’ve been watching and jerking off too since they were ten years old. Of course, their girlfriend is a total cupcake, and it’s hard to imagine her using a curse word, let alone trying a Cleveland steamer or getting sodomized by two guys at once. So, in an attempt to be cute and playful, that young stud will eventually bring up the idea of anal. They might be making out, or already fucking, when he’ll coyly ask her, “do you want me to try the other?” She’ll be confused at first, and ask him what he means. “Well, do you want me to put it….somewhere else?” he’ll shyly ask. Still confused, she’ll reply, “Where else would you put it?” to which he naturally and innocently replies, “you know where.”

If he’s lucky, within five minutes she’ll be bent over on all fours taking it harder than an NFL quarterback as she screams for him to fuck her tight little asshole harder. If he’s unlucky, she’ll slap him, dump him, and be dating his best friend in a week.

However, sometimes, the ambiguity of a term like “you know where” can be a beautiful thing. That young man might have been hinting at anal sex, but she may have misunderstood. Perhaps he ends up getting his first deep throat blowjob. Or maybe she thought he meant a change in sex location, and before he knows it they’re banging cowgirl style in her hot, older sister’s bedroom, or straddling her father’s office chair while he smokes one of his finest, Cuban cigars. Or even still, maybe she’s secretly an exhibitionist and within twenty minutes he’s getting head in the front seat of a Greyhound as thirty or forty Japanese tourists take pictures.

Sometimes, if you ask her if she wants you to put it “you know where,” she’ll think you’re talking about cumshots, and you never know where she might want the landing pad. Sometimes it’s in the face or tits, other times it’s in a 6oz juice glass so she can guzzle it down afterward. You never really know what you’re going to get, and that’s the true magic of that term.

1. I asked my wife if she wanted me to stick it ‘you know where,’ and by the time I came my dick was so far down her throat I was playing tether ball with her tonsils.

2. The term “you know where” is extremely difficult to use in a gang bang triple penetration situation. If you do, you’re probably going to end up inside one of the other dudes.

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Anal Sex

Anus

No one is quite sure where the term came from, or how it became a slang word for pussy, but things have always been a little backward in Australia. What does the YMCA have to do with a vagina? Why not call it a “Boomerang flesh wound” instead? Or perhaps a “Koala Cut?” At least those make sense for Australians. Troubled by the strange use of the term, I finally asked my Australian friend why YMCA means vagina. He let me in on a clever little secret, saying it’s an acronym for “Yoni Minge Cunt Anus.” Satisfied with the first three terms and their relation to the female genitalia, I asked why they included the word Anus, since it’s not part of the vagina. He told me that Australian men are wishful thinkers, and that just because a woman doesn’t want to “play ball,” doesn’t mean it doesn’t fit like a glove. Australians are really fucking weird.

Strangely enough, the origin of the YMCA has very little to do with vaginas, at least in North America. When it was founded, it was said to be a place for educating and caring for youth between the ages of three and eighteen. Founded by 12 staunchly Christian men, the organization claimed to be bringing up youth to be moralistic, respectful, and caring citizens. Of course, like any organization involving young boys and old Christian men, it eventually turned into some strange, seedy combination of Pee Wee Herman’s playhouse, and the secret sex dungeon behind the Pope’s master bedroom. What started off as moral lessons in wooden desks and classrooms, soon turned into too-close-for-comfort hygiene lessons in communal showers, and nightly inspections for bed bugs and the ‘sinful nocturnal emissions,’ as they called it.

In the LGTB community, the YMCA simply refers to any building where gays and lesbians frequently gather, even if there isn’t anything sexual going on. It’s the Starbucks of small hick towns, or the drama club of the average North American high school. A little known fact about the YMCA is that in the gay community it is actually an acronym. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what it stands for: Young Men Craving Ass.

1. When I went to teachers college in Australia, I kept telling my students I wanted to get a membership to the YMCA. It wasn’t long before I was arrested for sexual harassment, and soliciting minors.

2. When I first met Steve and Larry, they kept saying they went to the YMCA 6 nights a week. I couldn’t understand why they weren’t absolutely ripped, until I saw them drinking cappuccinos at Starbucks and flirting with the Barista.

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Dining at the Y 

Vagina

Ever wondered what it would feel like to have a threesome? Well, ask the yes girl and she’ll be back at your apartment with her hot blonde friend before you can even get an erection. Feel like trying anal and your girlfriend never lets you? Well, talk to the Yes Girl. She’ll even agree to sworn secrecy, so your girlfriend will never find out.

Yes girls are good for all kinds of other fantasies, which are far dirtier and more perverse. If you’ve always secretly wanted to get your asshole fingered by a giant zucchini while a girl vomits all over your penis, well, that yes girl can oblige. Hell, you’ve got a thing for midgets in baby diapers? Well, invite one over and watch the Yes Girl cradle rob that little guy all night long. You see, even if you’re not actually involved in the sex, a Yes Girl will still agree to any sexual encounter that you suggest. It’s programmed inside them; they have no idea how to say No. It’s one of God’s true miracles.

The only real danger of a Yes girl is that guys often fall in love with them, because on the surface, they appear to be the perfect woman. That may be true while we’re still young and virile and want to try as many twisted routes of reaching orgasm as possible, but as we get older we start to crave stability and something more wholesome. And believe me, there is absolutely nothing wholesome about a yes girl. Far too many men have foolishly fallen in love with a Yes Girl, only to have their hearts broken and their libido crushed. Just keep this one rule in mind: A yes girl isn’t just a Yes girl for you; she can’t say no, to anyone. So, unless you’re planning on tying her up in a basement for the rest of her life (which she’d be totally fine with, by the way) you can’t try to make a wife or girlfriend out of a Yes Girl. She’ll be cheating on you the second she leaves the front door and the local construction worker or mailman hits on her. It’s just in their nature. Like a stray alley cat, she’ll go wherever someone calls her and feeds her.

1. Steve once dated a Yes Girl for an entire Month. It was awful. He’s really into rape fantasies, and it’s true what they say, you can’t rape the willing.

2. If you ever suspect you’ve found a Yes Girl at the bar, make sure you ask her for a blowjob within the first 3 minutes of conversation. If she giggles and smiles at you, she’s a Yes Girl.

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Leanne

Slut

However, a lot of men don’t actually know what a yeast infection looks like, mostly because women typically have the decency and common sense to hide those types of things from us. But, in the interest of knowledge, probably the best possible way to describe the visual image of a yeast infection is as follows:

Imagine a woman masturbating with a roll of frozen cookie dough until they are at the point of a wet, juicy orgasm. Then, she neglects to shower for three or four days. It starts to itch a little bit, so she decides to dump an entire container of cottage cheese on her vag to create a cooling effect. She lets it percolate for a few hours inside her underwear, but still the itch is there. It hasn’t had the cooling effect she had anticipated. Suddenly, she realized that she misread her hippy sister’s home remedy for vaginal itch. It’s not cottage cheese that soothes it; the recipe actually calls for yoghurt, the plain, sugarless kind. So, she goes to the fridge, stuffs her minge inside a tub of Probiotic yoghurt, and goes off to bed.

Now, after a 12 hour sleep beneath two comforters and a duvet, she wakes up in a sweated heat and takes off her panties. Well, gentlemen, that pile of white, frothy compost you’re probably picturing in your mind right now, is roughly what the average yeast infection looks like. It’s like the marshmallow man ejaculated all over a Furby’s face, then rubbed on a little Vaseline to make it stick better.

For anyone wanting to know the symptoms of yeast infections, they include irritation, itching, burning during sex or urination, and most notably a frothy, gelatin-like oozing from inside the vagina. It’s a simple thing to treat, so long as the woman bathes regularly and goes to see a doctor for an ointment, but when you actually see your first yeast infection its hard to believe that anything could cure that.

As for causes, yeast infections are usually caused by eating way too much sugar, improper vaginal hygiene, or fucking the local baker after his night shift without using a condom or letting him shower first. Similarly, if a woman uses a rolling pin, cheese knife, or baguette to masturbate, she’s got a really good chance of getting a yeast infection.

1. Whenever my sister had a yeast infection, I could always tell. Her room smelled like a cheese shop and she walked like a woman with MS.

2. I’ll go down on a girl with a hairy bush, and I’ll even put on my red wings from time to time, but the one thing I draw the line at is yeast infections. I won’t put my mouth any where near something that smells and looks like cottage cheese.

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Smegma

STD

Paris, France is the Japan or South Korea of Europe, a place where a man is judged by the colour of his pearly white skin and his appetite for spending cash. French girls, just like Asian babes, swoon over these Americans for no other reason except that they are American. In fact, I highly recommend hosting the next bachelor party for one of your buddies in Paris. By the third drink he’ll be calling his fiancée back home, dumping her, and living out the rest of his years drinking red wine, smoking cheap cigarettes, and stuffing his face full of ‘pain oau chocolat’ in between mouthfuls of freshly shaven French pussy.

1. Last time I took a trip to Yankee Heaven I came home with HPV, Herpes, Gonorrhea, and the biggest smile on my face ever.

2. In grade 12, our history teacher took us to France for a field trip to learn about World War II. When we got to Paris, he stepped into a café and we never saw him again. It took us three weeks to scrounge up enough money to get home, but at least all the boys lost their virginity while we were there.

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French Bagel 

French Horn

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A Y-Bone Steak is a slang term for the female genitals. The Y-Bone steak can be delicious if prepared correctly. Namely if the woman cleans it up and shaves it nice. Just like you can marinade a beef steak, a pussy can be marinated with a sweet-smelling douche. Not the vinegar douche, unless your man has a jones for some salt and vinegar chips, and all you can offer him is your cunt.

The Y-Bone steak is a very, very valuable commodity if you have one. With it, you basically have power over most dudes if you use it correctly. You can use it to get everything bought for you, and heavy things lifted for you. You can get free rides places and all the free drugs you can consume. Keep it looking good and smelling nice, and you’ll never regret it.

The only thing you have to do, is exercise your Kegels. A very simple Kegel exercise regiment keeps your Y-Bone steak nice and tight, and can make it so you can give whatever lucky fellow you’re fucking some Kabazzah sex. Kabazzah sex is sex that you have with a man without moving. He slides his dick inside you and you flex and release your Kegel muscles from the inside. It feels like someone is sucking his dick from the inside of your pussy without moving at all! He’ll go crazy and do anything you say after that.

In fact, it’s rumored that King Edward abdicated his throne because Mrs. Wallis Simpson practiced “arts that she learned at an institution in Shanghai”. Kabazzah sex is also known as the “Shanghai kiss” because prostitutes there know how to do it. You should too. It’s easy to learn and will make every man you’re with go crazy with desire and pleasure.

All you have to do is exercise your pussy muscles. Flex them by making it feel as though you’re sucking your pussy and ass up into your body. Then relax. Practice doing quick flexes and releases, and long flexes and releases. As your cunt gets more and more strength, your orgasms will become more intense too. It’s really something every woman should do, considering the ease and benefits.

Plus, if your man’s dick isn’t the biggest in the world, you can clamp down on it with your pussy muscles, and make it feel good anyway. I’ve been with a lot of women over the years, and some complained that their last boyfriend wasn’t “big” enough. I’d tell them that it wasn’t the guy – it was that their pussy muscles were weak. I’d teach her how to strengthen them, it would improve our sex together, and she’d be much happier. Some still send me Christmas cards thanking me every year.

Long story short, your Y-Bone steak is a blessing, ladies. Take care of it, and it will take care of you!

1. Andre the Giant’s wife had a humungous Y-Bone steak, if he was proportional in the pants.

2. I love a clean-shaved Y-Bone steak.

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Pussy

Vagina

The only way to escape the restraints of Yoshiwara was to either be bought by a man for purposes of becoming a kept wife, or if you were so great at your job that you could earn enough to buy your freedom.

In order to be bought by a man to become his wife, the Yoshiwara prostitute must be extremely obedient. She must also be quite petite as well as quiet. Although it was not common for the Yoshiwara prostitute to be learned in cleaning and cooking, she would be taught with strict discipline when she was brought home by her new husband.

In order for the Yoshiwara prostitute to purchase her own freedom, she must be extremely good at sucking cock, take it both vaginally and anally, and giggling when appropriate. A successful Yoshiwara prostitute would take anywhere from 10 to 30 appointments per day, and would charge according to act performed or time spent with the paying man. The Yoshiwara prostitute would have to work constantly for about 10 to 15 years in order to buy her way out of the sex slavery. It was not the glamorous life of a high-class hooker we know today but closer to a crack-whore on the streets of LA.

1. She sucked my dick so hard that she reminded me of a Yoshiwara prostitute!

2. We’re taking a family vacation to Japan to see the old Yoshiwara district – the kids need to learn about their heritage!

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Red-light district

Whore

It has only been proven to decrease male impotence in rats, yet eastern cultures use it for human treatment often. It’s not bad to try if you regularly flop out after 4 minutes of foreplay, or smush your dick in your chick more than she’s been patient with.

It should be noted that Yohimbine does not cure whiskey dick, which is the effect that booze has on your member. If you’re older than 13, you’ll most likely already know that even a small amount of liquor (or beer, or whatever alcohol you’re shoving down your gullet), can decrease how steel your cock can be. Yohimbine will not take away this effect. You know what does? Pounding the pussy before you start pounding the drinks. Consider it if you’re in a long-term relationship. If not, make sure your date is drunk enough not to recall how flaccid your junk was while you drunkenly stuffed it in her.

Yohimbine also does not make you any harder or bigger than you normally are. It should not be confused with Viagara, as it does not make your erection last for hours. It simply gets you up to get ‘er done. It makes you normal, like any regular 28-year-old should be. Use it as much as you like as an alternative to the hard stuff you need when you’re 80.

1. I popped some Yohimbine before the dinner and thank god it worked by dessert.

2. I’m flying to India next week to load up on Yohimbine. It’ll keep my girlfriend and I together.

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Erectile Dysfunction

Whiskey Dick

The difference between a Yaoi film and typical gay porn in Japan is simple. Yaoi involves effeminate young males who fall in love. There is emotion and drama, which appeals to the female audience. Gay porn in Japan usually involves muscular older men who engage in violent, soul-wrenching sexual acts because they simply cannot control their homoerotic desires, no matter how ashamed they feel. In Yaoi films, there are some violent scenes of rape, but in Yaoi when a young male is raped by another young male, it is merely an indication of their passion for each other. It is not considered wrong or violent, but an indication of their deep love.

Another distinctive factor of Yaoi is that the characters involved in the films are usually quite young, roughly between the ages of 15 and 21. Even though it is technically called “boys” love, it never includes prepubescent males. Prepubescent male porn, directed towards pedophiles, is a separate genre altogether, known as “Shotacon.” It is very VERY important to remember that even though they are pronounced the same, Shotacon is NOT the same thing as Shotokan, which is a popular and traditional style of Japanese Karate. A few years ago, I had the opportunity to visit Japan and I wanted to study the traditional martial arts while I was visiting some rural areas. My Japanese was terrible, so I simply walked up to a local tour guide on the street and told him, “I want to study Shotokan….need Sensei.” After a long bus ride into the city, the man finally took me to the place where I could study shotokan. It took me a while to clue in, but I finally understood what he thought I wanted as we crouched behind some Bonsai bushes in the playground of an elementary school as the kids played Ro Sham Bo in the school yard.

When I tried to correct the confusion by making karate strike gestures with my hands, he smiled and nodded, and said in broken English, “You pay more if hitting kids. Hitting cost extra.” Needless to say, I didn’t learn much karate that day.

1. When my friend taught English in Japan, he became addicted to Yaoi porn. I tried telling him that it was meant for women, but I think he really liked the rape scenes and emo-looking young men.

2. If you’re going to watch a Yaoi film with a girl, be ready for some tears and masturbation. It’s like porn to them, but it’s also like a soap opera.

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Gay

Hentai         

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Yellow Shower is one of those sexual acts that everyone talks about, rumors over, claims they’ve tried, but in reality, it’s a sexual performance very few of us have any experience with, and those who actually do it, rarely talk about it in public. The technical definition of a yellow shower, also known as a golden shower, is the act of urinating on your sexual partner as a means of sexual arousal, humiliation, or a combination of the two. Sometimes the yellow shower turns you on, and sometimes it is merely a self-less act that you perform for your partner’s enjoyment. People who engage in various types of yellow showers, or sexual acts involving enemas or fecal matter are known to be “watersport” athletes.

One of the most famous yellow showers ever conducted in America was by the infamous rapper, R Kelly. He reportedly urinated on a young female fan as a means of his own sexual arousal, but the female was outraged and disgusted. In R Kelly’s defense, many women claim to be into yellow showers and sexual urination, and they are often willing to try it. However, once the hot, steamy urine starts dripping down their cheeks and the ammonia vapors fill their lungs, they often change their minds. Even if they fantasized about the idea and thought they would be turned on, when push comes to shove, they’re just not that into water sports. Many young females, in the middle of a yellow shower, will jump up, screaming in disgust as they reach for the nearest towel or run to the bathroom, leaving a spotted trail of urine behind them on the floor.

Of course, we’re not saying that’s what happened with R Kelly. That was definitely an assault, but we do want people to know that before they engage in yellow showering, you should make sure your partner is actually into it. A great way to determine before hand whether or not they will like a yellow shower, is by peeing in a cup, telling them it’s apple juice, and asking them to drink it. If they slurp it down with a smile, then you know the doors are wide open for a face full of steaming hot pee.

Another way to tell if your partner will enjoy a yellow shower is by hiring a plumber to damage the pipes in her bathroom walls, so that when she showers the stench of sewage and toilet water comes out. If she continues showering without complaint, then you know you’ve got a keeper! The next step is making sure you drink enough fluids before you have sex. Also, it is important for males to not let the sexual intimacy and foreplay go too far before you urinate on your partner. Every guy knows how impossible it is to urinate with an erection. It’s like squeezing a bowling ball out of a shirtsleeve. And trust me, there’s nothing worse than having a hot young slut on her knees begging you for some pee, and you can’t deliver. You may never get that chance again. So just remember this helpful rhyme, if ‘vaginas and boobs you can see, it best be time for you to pee.’

1. I tried to give my girlfriend a yellow shower, but I ate too many beets the night before. She freaked out and made me see a doctor because she thought I was pissing blood.

2. When Karl gave Suzie a yellow shower, he thought he would find it hot. But after it was over, he didn’t want to touch her. She stank like piss!

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Golden Shower

Watersports