People get anxious about this kind of thing constantly, but there’s really no need. Yeah, you’ll have accidents every so often, but most of the time you should be able to get a good ass pounding without worrying about shitting all over your boyfriend’s dick. If it does happen, don’t sweat it. Your boyfriend will just wash his dick and then you can blow him to kingdom come and he’ll forget all about it. So long as you don’t gag while giving him head and then accidentally throw up on his cock. It’s fair to say that if he gets your shit and your puke on his dick within the period of a half an hour it’s likely that he’s going to get pretty freaked out and possibly dump your ass. So make sure not to shove his cock too far down your throat in this particular situation. If he hasn’t just has poop on his dick, it’s probably find to vomit on his cock, just a little, but if he gets shit AND vomit on his dick he’s going to start thinking about how fucking you is more like taking care of a baby and that just gets awkward.

And ladies, if you’re pegging him and some shit gets on that dildo you call your cock, don’t worry about it. Just wash it off with soap and water and then slide it down his throat. He’ll make sure to keep his ass clean if he knows his mouth is going to get a pounding after every anal fuck fest.

1. My boyfriend loves a cock in his ass but he’s got irritable bowel syndrome. How can I prevent us from running into a muddy helmet situation?

2. The last time I had a muddy helmet I was in the army. Damn those army boys have a ton of shit up their asses. Probably from all the pegging they get just to loosen them up.

RELATED TERMS:

Anal Sex

Ass Fuck

The fact is black dudes are hot. Like, not all of them, but most of them. Hotter than pasty pale white dudes who are all skinny and wussy and have no idea what to do to make a woman scream. Black dudes know how to work their cocks and they know how to tongue a woman’s pussy until she’s having multiple orgasms. And even when they’re promising to marry you while they shoot their jizz into your pussy, and even though you know deep down that they’re lying, he’s also the best fuck you’ve ever had. Besides, the babies you make together are going to be beautiful milk-chocolate pumpkin pies that are cute beyond belief even if the girls do grow up to be sluts and the boys grow up to be dealers.

1. Yeah, I’m super into black dudes. They’re just so good with my pussy. And they always want me to gain weight and they ALWAYS check out my ass and comment on how hot it is and how it would only be hotter if I would eat more donuts and less salad. Plus I’m constantly high and the sex is phenomenal. I’m a mud shark, what can I say. The black cock is just so fucking tasty.

2. The best part about being a mud shark is that I get to bring home my big black boyfriend for dinner and make my mother jealous. She’s eighty-three and always wanted to fuck black dudes. I once caught her hitting on my boyfriend. He admitted that he fucked her but he said he only licks my pussy. And he only does anal with me. Thank god. It would probably be weird if his cock was in both her ass and mine (not at the same time, obviously). I think she’s a bit too shriveled to take it in the back door. Plus I don’t want to catch her hemorrhoids. That would just be awkward and gross. It’s a good thing my dad’s not alive anymore.

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Fetish

Interracial

At the risk of being politically biased, misogynist is another synonym for douche bag or “loser who can’t get laid.” Why would anyone hate women, unless they haven’t had sex with them yet? But even gay men, who have no sexual interest in females, still enjoy the company and mutual fashion sense and “giant cock stories” that they get to swap with each other. In order to better understand this ridiculous mindset, first we need to look at the varying degrees of misogyny that exist.

First, we have the extremely common misogynist known as the “disgruntled male virgin.” These are usually men between the ages of 20 and fifty who haven’t been able to seal the deal with a single female yet, for reasons far more obvious to observers than to said loser virgin. Usually, these men still live with their parents, have zero social skills or confidence, a severe facial acne or weight problem, and an unhealthy addiction to role playing games. They are also the only adult males in the world who still play the old Leisure Suit Larry Games from Commodore 64’s.

The second type of misogynist that exists out there is the “macho meathead.” These guys are quite the opposite of the disgruntled virgin mentioned above, as they have extremely high self-esteems, are physically fit and attractive since they frequent the gym every day, and they manage to get laid on a regular basis. However, these nights of passion are often drunken one night stands where they are the only sexual partner who actually has an orgasm. These men appear to be studs at times, but its often quite clear that as soon as they manage to sleep with a girl, the woman instantly hates them because they never call them back or they happened to be an extremely selfish lover. It’s rare that these macho meatheads will even express their hatred of women outwardly, but instead simply display it by their douche bag attitudes and behaviours. The real reason for this deeply entrenched hatred for women is because they have created so much muscle and testosterone in their bodies through too many trips to the gym and far too many steroids, that there penises have shrunken to the size of a cheese doodle and their brains are just solid chunks of testosterone-drenched muscle. To them, women are either incomprehensible to their internal macho mechanics, or they are a terrible reminder of the miniature size of their manhood.

1. I once knew a misogynist in college who claimed that women were the cause of all the evil in the world. Not surprisingly, he didn’t make it to the last reunion because he’s shacked up in prison with a former line backer named Bruce who likes to braid his hair.

2. If you think your nerdy, unattractive friend is becoming a misogynist, do him a favour and buy him a prostitute. He’ll be singing a different tune in the morning.

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Asexual                    

Douche

The technical variations between the minivan and the shocker are somewhat slight, but they make a world of difference, in both pleasure to the female, and hilarity to the male. Instead of simply putting two fingers in the vagina and one in the ass, the minivan involves putting two fingers from one hand up the vagina, and an entire fist up the ass. Basically, it’s a donkey punch and a finger fuck all at once, and the results are absolutely hilarious. The name “minivan” was given for two reasons. One, it received the name because of the popular saying that goes along with the technique, which is “it fits two in the front and five in the back.” The second reason for the technique being dubbed the minivan is because it’s a particular favourite for Soccer Mom’s, especially when its actually being performed in the minivan. The reason Soccer Mom’s seem to love the technique so much is because they’ve been in a perpetual sexual rut for the last 15 years of their marriage, and the most penetration they ever receive anymore is about five minutes of monotonous missionary style while she lies on her back counting the watermarks on the ceiling. The minivan, however, is a quick and sudden reminder of what it really feels like to get penetrated, and it often reminds her of the good ol’ days back in college when she got gang banged by half the football team on a weekly basis.

But, life has changed a lot for them. Now, they have to rely on the quick and dirty minivan fucks in the backseat with the assistant couch, while their kids are out on the field kicking a soccer ball around for an hour and a half without scoring a single goal. If it wasn’t her lame-in-bed husband who drove her to the minivan, then it was having to sit through game after game of 6 year old soccer players batting a ball around like a herd of moths bouncing against a light bulb.

1. Don’t ever give a woman the Minivan if your wearing your graduation ring from College. It’s a messy scene.

2. The last time I gave a woman a minivan I ended up breaking a finger. She claimed she didn’t need any lube, but I beg to differ.

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Donkey Punch

Shocker

Now, if you happen to be surrounded by openly gay men, the term milkshake has a very different meaning, and I do not advise that you use it. Unless of course, you get aroused by giving oral sex to another men with a mouthful a shit.

1. You know how McDonald’s Milkshakes are always waaaay too thick, so you can’t even suck it through a straw? Well, the same can be said about the female customers who eat there. Those milkshakes are a little too thick for my taste.

2. Whenever my girlfriend shows off her milkshake at the bar, I get really jealous because all the guys start staring at her. But, then I get really horny too because I’m totally into Zelophilia.

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Boobs 

Bootylicious               

The purpose of sending those messages are just to maintain some connection with that person, and to keep yourself in the back of their mind. Basically, you don’t want them to forget about you entirely, even if you never see them or date with for another decade or more.

Maintenance Texts are not something that just single people send out either. In fact, the majority of maintenance texts are sent out by married people who may or may not be happy, but just want to keep their options open in case things don’t work out with their current partner. After all, with divorce rates over 50%, there is a damn good chance you might actually end up banging that maintenance receiver some day.

1. Every time its Sarah’s birthday, I always send her a few maintenance texts and happy birthday messages. I may be married, but she’s the hottest piece of ass I ever slept with back in college.

2. If you’re going to send maintenance texts to old flames, make sure your current partner NEVER gets a hold of your cell phone. Take it into the shower with you if you have to.

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Booty Grazing                 

Booty Text

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The act – either planned or unplanned – of falling asleep after masturbating. This is totally common and happens the majority of times that a person, male or female, masturbates. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve fallen asleep after rubbing one out. The only time it’s been a problem was when I was jerking my lady parts in the Museum of Modern Art in New York City. I was in a bathroom stall and everything. All that art just got to me and my clit got all hard and I just had to go and do my business. Of course, I had been walking all day and looking at incredible paintings and sculptures and installations and I was completely exhausted and after I climaxed I REALLY just wanted to take a nap. But I forced myself to get up off the seat and leave the stall and wash my hands and continue on with my day. Some things just have to wait.

It’s worse for men, the desire to nap after masturbating, mainly because men have this chemical reaction thing that happens after they orgasm. Some sort of hormone gets released after they come that immediately renders them tired and lethargic. That’s why when you fuck a dude and make him come, he’s pretty much ready to turn over and go to sleep, no matter what time of the day it is or how excited and awake he was thirty seconds earlier. If you want him to do you again, the best thing you can do is keep him awake with some light sex talk and just rub yourself while he watches. Curiosity will keep him interested and he’ll enjoy watching you rub your pussy. By the time you come, he’ll be hard again and ready to go at it. If you’re lucky and time things properly, you can keep that juggling act going all day.

Sometimes a good masternap is all a person needs to be able to get back up and do all the stupid errands and tasks they may need to do in a day. Sometimes all a person really needs is love – self love, that is – and once he or she gets that love, they are ready to get their day started.

1. I was super horny at work today so I shut my office door and put my Do Not Disturb sign on the door and went at it. I must have fallen asleep as soon as I came cause I woke up to a the fire alarm going off and when I stood up I tripped over my pants which were all bunched up around my ankles, fell over and passed out. My boss found me there a few minutes later when they were trying to locate everyone who didn’t evacuate the building. We have a meeting tomorrow morning to ‘evaluated my performance’. I’m not really sure which performance he means.

2. I’m an expert at masternapping. It is totally my thing.

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Jack Off

Masturbation

There are lots of examples of older male celebrities hooking up with younger female celebrities. Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones, for example. Or Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Bruce Willis and everyone Bruce Willis has ever dated. Hugh Hefner and everyone Hugh Hefner has ever dated. And the list goes on. There’s a much smaller list when it comes to celebrity cougars. Some infamous ones include Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher (now separated, but whatever…still counts). Elizabeth Taylor and Larry Fortensky. Edith Piaf and Theo Sarapo. Katie Couric and Brooks Perlin. Yes yes, there are cougars, but there are certainly way more manthers out there. And yet, nobody seems bothered by that. Nobody seems too bothered by the number of crazy Mormons who take their multiple wives at the ages of ten or eleven, which is obviously child abuse and crazy. I mean, people are obviously bothered by it outside of the Mormon community, but within the community everything is all hunky dory when it comes to marriage and these old seventy-year-old Mormon dudes having multiple wives of all different ages. Mormons love being manthers. They practically made up the term.

Like cougars, manthers are often found out on the prowl, in bars or other places where young women are found dancing and giggling and being sexy. My favourite manther of all time was the character on the movie Dazed and Confused, played by Matthew McConaughey. He was always at the pool hall where all the high school girls hung out and he was in his late twenties. The best line of that movie is still his line, said while surveying the hot high school chicks walking by, ‘I do love those high school girls. I get older…they stay the same age.’

1. My dad’s a bit of a manther. When I brought some of my college roommates home for thanksgiving he got all flirty with them. Then one of them started fucking him. To get back at her, I poured peroxide into her shampoo bottle. How was I supposed to know she shampoos her pussy?

2. I dated a total manther once. It didn’t really dawn on me that he was a manther until I cooked for him one night. I had to steam the vegetables until they were mushy just so he could chew them.

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Cougar

DILF

So what is manstruation, you ask? This is what a man is going through during his monthly cycle. Men have monthly cycles too. Like, obviously the term manstruation is a joke, a gag term that people have made up, but men really do have hormonal cycles that fluctuate in similar ways that women do. The difference is that they don’t bleed tissue out of their dicks and they don’t get quite the same cravings for chocolate. They do, however, get mad moody and eat extra carbs and watch more zombie movies and punch more holes in the walls. They also want to fuck more which is awesome if you love to fuck as most women do. And when you get two gay guys together and their cycles match up it’s just one giant fuck fest til the cows come home.

People are constantly talking about lady menstruation like it’s this horrible, disgusting, and shameful thing. A lot of guys don’t want to fuck a woman when she’s bleeding and a lot of women don’t want their boyfriends to fuck them, either. Which is weird because most of my girlfriends can’t get enough sex when they’re on their periods. And what if you’re two lesbians in a relationship? If you didn’t fuck while either of you were bleeding you’d basically only have two weeks out of the month where you could go at it, unless you were lucky and your periods were synched. But really, there are a lot of dudes out there who are afraid of blood and seem to think that when a woman’s on her period she’s just a fucking facet or a waterfall, gushing and spewing blood like crazy. This is so not true. In fact, most women, especially those on birth control, have light periods that only last a few days. And most women want to fuck like crazy when they’re bleeding. So put a towel under your girlfriend and fuck the shit out of her. Your dick will slide in and out of her so sweetly it’ll make you come in seconds.

1. My husband gets so moody at the beginning of each month. He always says it’s because I’ve got PMS and he’s just reacting to my moods, but I think that’s bullshit. I think he’s got his own case of PMS – Pre-MANstrual Syndrome.

2. I’ve started manstruating. I haven’t told anyone and I’m scared my girlfriend’s going to find out. Once I actually ate all the chocolate she saved for her time of the month.

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Douche

Menstruation

There are a wide variety of tools in a manscaper’s toolbox, ranging from a good old fashioned Bic razor, to their trusty, 9 speed automated shaver with a built-in beard trimmer and nose hair trimmer (which we all know is actually meant for our anus). Other methods include tweezers, hot wax (if you’ve got a lot of free time on your hands and too many women influencing your grooming/hygiene decisions), and even the odd pair of scissors from time to time.

Whatever your method, the main purpose should be to make your body look as pleasant as possible for the female eye by getting rid of that thick, black as night, curled-up pube patch that seems to sprout up all over your body like a forest of mushrooms on a log. Whether you believe it or not, NO woman actually enjoys pubic hair, no matter how much they tell you they do. Sure, lots of hippies and old fashioned women enjoy a man with a bit of scruff, or a thick beard and biker’s ponytail, but when it comes down to moistening their lips and inhaling your veiny, sweat-dried cock, the last thing they want to do is get a couple of curlers stuck between their teeth, or even worse, choke to death on a tuft of your ball hair.

So, if you ever want to get a blowjob more than once, then make sure you keep your man bush pruned on a fairly regular basis. Now, I’m not talking about scalping the poor little fella, unless of course you’re European or seeking a career in adult movies. For the average man, even taking off a few inches of flora from your hairiest of areas can make a huge difference in your sex life. So, if your wife or girlfriend doesn’t seem to like giving blowjobs, or claims that you’re “just too big to go down on,” chances are she’s just sick and tired of getting a mouth full of Chewbacca’s testicles whenever she gives you a blowjob. Next time you’re freshly showered, try taking off a couple of inches with your beard trimmer and see if that gets your wife singing a different tune. Or better yet, shave it right down to the bare skin to give that wonderfully misleading appearance of having an enormously long cock.

1. I can’t wait to get off work so I can go home, have a beer in the shower, and do a little manscape maintenance. I’ve got a hot date tonight!

2. No matter how important it is, NEVER try to manscape when you’re drunk. You’ll end up taking off a lot more than a few pubic hairs, and that’s especially dangerous if you’re already circumcised.

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Happy Trail 

Pubic Hair