Zoo Daddy children, called “fish food” for their ability to score their father a hot date hook, line, and sinker, are usually wandering off alone, talking endlessly to strangers, and picking up stray cigarette butts that are still lit and smoking them while they pick pocket soccer Mom’s too busy with their herd of hellions to notice their purse is a little lighter.

Of course, the second that Zoo Daddy spots a particularly hot MILF winking in his direction, he’s wringing in the leash of his feral kids, giving them great big hugs, and asking them if they want another ride on the Ferris wheel. That # 1 fan from the “Ron Jeremy fan club of dead beat dads,” just turned into father of the year in a matter of seconds. And more than likely, his kids will be huffing glue in the basement or trying their first bump of cocaine in the tree house while he’s got that flirty MILF bent over the bathroom sink with an apple in her mouth.

Of course, that’s not to say that there’s anything wrong with being a Zoo Daddy. That fleeting moment of fatherhood that they shower upon their children between the first pick up line and the final etching of her phone number into the palm of his hand, can be more love and affection than some kids receive all year from their parents. Besides, with the divorce rate at over 50%, and the ratio of men to women getting better every day, it’s hard to imagine not becoming a Zoo Daddy once you hit your mid 40’s.

In reality, being the fish food spawned from Zoo Daddy’s can be a pretty sweet lot in life. After all, my father was a Zoo Daddy, and I turned out perfectly normal. I’m a happily married man who has a healthy relationship with all of his wives, still keeps in regular contact with his prostitutes, and drives his illegitimate children home from the Adult Ed. centre every single day. Not to mention I have a successful career writing porn definitions from my greasy, 7 year old Mac notebook, and I was the only guy from my graduating high school class to successfully complete a Sudoku puzzle.

1. Warren’s father is a total Zoo Daddy. Last year, he spotted a hot blonde near the petting zoo, and he bought the entire 3^rd grade class a pony ride and an ice cream cone. Then he disappeared into the washroom for about 25 minutes, and came back smelling like fish.

2. If you’re going to become a Zoo Daddy, make sure you have a reward points system on your credit card. Those shag motels at theme parks are expensive as hell!

RELATED TERMS:

DILF 

MILF

The most commonly used definition for zipper morals is to indicate a person with loose morals, especially around anything sexual in nature. It can be used to describe both men and women, implying that they would be willing to unzip their fly and air out their genitals for pretty much no reason at all, in any given situation or location. A great example of someone with zipper morals would be a Leanne, or the male equivalent, a Steve. These individuals will not only have sex with literally anyone, but they’ll also engage in sexual activity or suggestive behaviour at the worst possible time.

For example, Leanne’s have been known to hit on the bride’s fiancé just hours after the bride asks her to be the Maid of Honor. Often times, she won’t stop flirting with this groom until the first consummation of marriage, at which point her moral compass kicks in and she finally registers that as being “inappropriate” or “wrong.” That doesn’t mean she won’t cop a feel on the groom’s ass while waiting in line at the Buffet table, or make lewd and inappropriate jokes at the generous size of his genitalia during the Maid of Honor speech. That is completely fair game, in the eyes of someone with zipper morals.

The male version of someone with zipper morals in a wedding scenario, would think it completely acceptable to hire a stripper (his duties as the best man), yet wouldn’t find it weird to hire the groom’s ex girlfriend, AND try and sleep with her after she’s done the performing. Steve would also find it totally ok to invite himself to the Bachelorette party and make the bride do body shots off his rock hard abs all night. In fact, a male with zipper morals wouldn’t even find it the slightest bit wrong or socially taboo to hit on a pregnant Mother while she’s in labour at the hospital. This is actually one of his favourite stomping grounds for picking up tail.

The other definition of someone with zipper morals refers to Catholic schoolgirls who are taught that premarital sex is wrong. Although they staunchly believe in celibacy until marriage, they’ve let their hard-core Christian morals slip into a grey area, where zipper sex is totally fine. Zipper sex, as defined on this site, can mean a variety of things but usually involves having non-penetrative, dry humping sex with a guy who still has his jeans on; in other words, she’s grinding his zipper until one of them eventually cums. Apparently, Jesus is totally down with zipper fly premarital, as long as the penis never bursts through the seam.

1. My best friend totally has zipper morals. He once unzipped his fly, took out his sweaty balls, and aired them out for half an hour before someone called the cops. We were at his nephew’s birthday party.

2. I’ve always been attracted to girls with zipper morals. There’s something about being hit on at a funeral that really turns me on.

RELATED TERMS:

Zipper Olympics 

Zipper Sex

If you’ve ever been on an extremely bad bender, and woken up hungover with your pants down around your ankles in a retirement home, you’ll known the strange combination of ecstatic joy and utter repulsion of waking up with a thick, gray female pubic stuck between your two front teeth. It’s one of the biggest mysteries of all when it comes to male sexual arousal; it’s something we’re instinctively attracted to, but are morally and intellectually repulsed by. We are helpless Moths fluttering towards a flame with gigantic, furry erections.

Perhaps it’s not that big of a mystery after all, when you really think about it. A Zebra Bush is like an endless supply of cocaine, but without all the crashing and negative consequences that come with it. It’s a vagina that can be tapped, but not corked, and by “corked’ I obviously mean impregnated. These women are far too old to get pregnant, far too young to have a stroke or a clammy vagina, and they are just the right age for the unbridling of a life time of sexual repression and dissatisfaction. They’ve hit that pivotal age where they want to try everything and anything in the bedroom, before that zebra bush turns into a snowy, withered up “white fang.” It’s no wonder men, especially young men, are so physically attracted to Zebra Bushes. We can bust a nut inside them all we want, and try out some of the dirtiest, most degrading sex moves we can dream of, and they won’t get pregnant OR call the police. If anything, they’ll thank us by taking us out for dinner at 4 pm with their most recent pension cheque.

It is important to note that Zebra Bush has a very different meaning in The United States than it does in Canada and Europe. In America, a Zebra Bush refers to a hypothetical political orgy involving three American presidents. If George Bush and Bill Clinton decided to tag team Barrack Obama, from a bird’s eye view it would look like a sweaty Zebra Bush. It’s not a pretty visual, but it might make the economy take a turn for the better.

1. When I was seventeen years old, I lost my virginity to a Zebra Bush. I had a little too much wine at my grandmother’s weekly bridge party, and by the time the games ended I found myself in the back of a Buick with my grandmother’s best friend.

2. One sure fire way to bag yourself a Zebra Bush is by hitting up Denny’s at Happy Hour, then taking your pick from the 4pm dinner rush. Treat her to a card party before taking her home, and you’ll be getting the best gummer of your life.

RELATED TERMS:

Gerontophilia

Pubic Hair

Zipper sex refers to anyone who gives or receives oral sex without taking off the person’s pants first. It can come in various forms, some more pleasant for the man than others. If the pants are still on and the penis is still tucked safely inside, then the woman is performing a type of zipper sex known as ‘Tarping,” dubbed so because to the man, it’s like having a thick piece of tarp draped over your cock while you masturbate; you feel absolutely nothing but painful friction and the onset of blue balls!

A more enjoyable form of zipper sex for the man is unfortunately not so enjoyable for the woman, or person giving the blowjob. This involves the man taking his penis out, unzipping his fly part way but leaving his pants on as the woman gives him a blowjob on her knees. If she’s any kind of decent deep throater, she’ll end up having zipper imprints practically burned into the bottom of her chin, known as “train tracks.” This can be extremely painful, but believe it or not some teenage girls actually wear them with pride and often compete on Friday night movie dates to see how many different sets of train tracks they can get in a single film.

The final type of zipper sex that exists, which is absolutely pointless unless you’re a severe masochist, actually involves zipper/penis friction. The woman breaks open the zipper on the man’s jeans right in the center, leaving the top and bottom of the zipper still tightly closed. When the man gets an erection, she pulls his cock out of the center hole and gives him a blowjob as she jerks him off. The motion from her hand causes the zipper to rub up and down on the man’s cock, creating burns and lacerations on the shaft that look a squirrel thought his dick was a piece of corn on the cob. I don’t recommend this to any man, unless your pain tolerance is extremely high, and you’re uncircumcised. If you don’t have that thick, protective sheathe that god gave us, then don’t even try it. You’ll end up looking and feeling like you’ve got a diced Portobello in your underwear.

1. When I was in high school, the girls in my class used to have zipper sex behind the bleachers at recess. I never got a single blowjob back then, because I was going through that terrible phase that hip hop kids go through where they never wear anything but baggy jogging pants and work boots that are always untied.

2. The first time Sara got her boyfriend to allow her to give him some zipper sex, she couldn’t believe how much blood came out of such a small organ. She also learned that he could be a screamer too.

RELATED TERMS:

Dry Sex 

Masochism

First of all, we have the standard ‘I want to make you jealous’ type of zelophilia. This usually occurs when a husband or boyfriend has been ignoring his female partner in the bedroom, and she decides to put a little energy back into their sex life by making him jealous. The theory is that if she takes him out to a bar or nightclub and starts allowing extremely attractive men to grind with her or buy her a drink while he’s standing at the bar like a pile of flaccid penis, then he might just start to feel a little bit jealous. Once this jealousy kicks in, his testosterone will start bubbling and he’ll not only become aggressive and ward off all possible threats, but he’ll also start seeing his wife or girlfriend as that hot, sexy little bar slut that he picked up oh so many years ago. Within half an hour, he’ll have her bent over the back of the toilet as some drunk college kids cheer him on from outside the stall.

Another type of Zelophilia occurs when the person is simply turned on by watching other people get jealous. Much like the inbred hicks sitting in the audience of a Jerry Springer episode, these individuals love watching other couples get into fights, or become jealous, while they sit back and watch the whole thing unfold, secretly rubbing themselves off beneath their pants. You’ll quite often see these people standing at the back of the bar watching the dance floor to see if any boyfriends or girlfriends get territorial over their partner, or you’ll catch them masturbating in the bathroom of a couples therapy clinic after listening outside the door as a married duo verbally duke it out over some home wrecker neighbor woman.

Finally, perhaps the most twisted of all, are the wife swappers. These are good looking, sexually virile men who have an absolutely knock-out, bombshell of a wife, but for some reason they no longer find them attractive anymore. As a result, they want to be able to see her through another man’s eyes, so they set up an internet date with a stranger and invite some horny young stud over to fuck his wife while he watches. It’s a strange paradox of emotions at this point, as he’s got a raging hard-on as he watches some younger, more muscular stud penetrate his wife, but at the same time, he’s seething with rage and jealousy too. That, in a nutshell, is what turns him on.

1. Zelophilia is the number one leading cause of all divorces, AND marriage vow renewals, in North America.

2. Jacob used to think he was into Zelophilia because every time another man hit on his girlfriend, he’d get a huge erection. Turns out, he was just gay.

RELATED TERMS:

Arousal 

Fetish

Zeppelins have a pretty strict guideline for size and scale. They are thirty percent bigger than a hooter; ten to twenty percent bigger than a knocker. And hundreds of  times larger than a mosquito bite or pancake on a nail. Zeppelins are normally quite firm to the touch, but in rare cases can be a little looser, based on weight and age. If one were to squeeze a zeppelin rather tightly, you would find finger imprints lasting for 30 to 90 seconds. Motorboating is a commonly practiced on zeppelins, which is a humming/spouting motion of the mouth while pressed between two large breasts: best with zeppelins.

Larger women tend to have zeppelins attached to them. This can be fairly unattractive, but at least gives you something to look at. With the wrong bra, the zeppelins truly take form, mimicking torpedoes or large Madonna tits. Nipples and areolas are usually massive on a zeppelin. Nipples can take on the size of a pencil eraser, including the metal part – one to one-and-a-half inches long. Areolas can reach the size of saucers or cork coasters, and are normally circular.

Zeppelins can be fake tits, too. They tend to have a different shape – more spherical than oval. They closely resemble a massive, frozen water balloon attached to the chest by some rubber bands around the base. In some botched jobs, these are extremely unattractive and very hard and tough to touch. Some men get off on that so, well, whatever.

Led Zeppelin is an English rock band from the early 60s to late 70s and are still on the charts today. It is rumored that the band preferred zeppelin tits and groupies were limited to D-cups and over. In all of Great Britain, it is especially necessary for girls to have zeppelins because of their normally hideous face and mouth. If tits are large enough to be zeppelins, they will take the focus away from the face and mouth. Standards are usually a lot lower overseas and the zeppelin takes on way more shapes, sizes, and textures. We don’t have time to get into that here, though.

Elderly zeppelins can get hang downwards and can get to about 4 to 5 feet in length. Some debate whether or not these can still be called zeppelins, as the flat shape and loose skin resemble anything but. The term is always at the discretion of the viewer or cat-caller.

Zeppelins come and zeppelins go. They are adored by many and envied by Asian girls. The happiest of men are those with two hands full of zeppelin tits, or a dick stuck between the two.

1.That waitress’ zeppelins almost poked out my eye when she turned around! I’ll tip her extra.

2. I used to have huge zeppelins in my twenties, but now they’re 6 o’clock sand bags.

RELATED TERMS:

Bolt-ons

Tits

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Zipper Olympics is a slang term for male masturbation. I suppose that female masturbation would be the panty Pan-Am Games. Speaking personally, I got three golds, twenty-seven silvers, and six bronze metals in the Zipper Olympics when I was seventeen and single. Set a world record in the dejackalon.

Here are some of my proudest achievements:

Finished the 100m jack-off in 10.32 seconds. (World Record)

Sprayed semen 43.21m in the dicksus. (World Record)

Innovated techniques in the jerk-and-clean. (Wetnaps!)

Pioneered semen release choreography in men’s synchronized swimming.

I know there must be a cum-shotput joke somewhere, but I just finished masturbating and I don’t have the brain power to find it. Sorry everyone. Nap time…

I’m back!

Unlike the actual Olympics which are held every four years, the zipper Olympics can be held every four minutes, depending on how long it takes you to reload the cannon. Also, doping is encouraged in the Zipper Olympics. I find that a big bowl of chronic helps me “light the torch” even more quickly.

Techniques are as varied as the competitors in the Zipper Olympics. Recently there have been talks about banning “the Stranger” in international competition.

1. Jake was competing hard in the Zipper Olympics in his bedroom when his mom walked in on him. He was disqualified when he lost his erection due to her crying about her “baby boy abusing his body like that.”

2. Opie trained hard all his life for the Zipper Olympics. He masturbates to the “Chariots of Fire” song every night.

RELATED TERMS:

Semen

Masturbation

Click To Enlarge

Zooerasty is sexual activity between a human being and an animal. It is also known as bestiality. You may think it’s rare and gross, but studies show that over 35% of men that grew up or lived on farms have had sex with an animal at one time or another. Who can blame them? Some of those goats are fucking hot. Why do you think “The Men Who Stare At Goats” stare at them?

Some see it as animal abuse. I say that if it’s done in a loving, caring way that also addresses the animal’s sexual needs, then it’s just a date. For men, you want to take great care with some animals if you’re going to have sex with them. They may not like it at first, and a lot of animals pack a hard kick. If you’ve got your pants down and your cock out, it could spell trouble if the animal gives a powerful back kick. Keep your eyes open.

And for women who are considering having sex with animals, keep in mind that if you’re going to fuck an animal with an oversized cock (horse, donkey, me), it could cause a lot of damage to your pussy. After all, you’re not built to take a two-foot cock at first. Work your way up to the horse by fucking animals of increasing cock size.

It should be noted that zooerasty is illegal in many places. Even where it is not illegal, it is almost universally frowned upon. I’m not sure why. I mean, if god didn’t want people to fuck dolphins, then why would he give them a blow-hole? And if he didn’t want us sticking hamsters up our asses, then why would he create Richard Gere?

I recently saw a video on the internet of a chimp taking a frog, forcing its mouth open, and masturbating with it. Sure, you can see this as mouth raping a defenseless frog. But I choose to see it as a chimp giving the frog some extra protein in its diet. Of course, after five minutes of hardcore mouth fucking, the frog died. But the chimp was in such a good mood for the rest of the afternoon, it’s hard to know if it was right or wrong.

Classic mythology has plenty of human/animal fucking. Pasiphae had sex with a bull after hiding in a wooden cow (just like the guy in “Top Secret”). Zeus turned into a swan and fucked Leda. Polyphonte fucks a bear and has half-bear kids. I think bestiality is where Sasquatch comes from. Andre the Giant probably fucked a moose on a drunken bender one night and voila! Same with the Abominable Snowman. Andre the Giant and a polar bear. That guy got around.

Rest in Peace, tiny dancer.

1. Something about the big red asses on the baboons at the zoo made Fred seriously consider some late-night zooerasty.

2. Kendra wasn’t sure if it was technically zooerasty when she let her golden retriever lick peanut butter off her pussy, but she knew she loved it.

RELATED TERMS:

Bestiality

Fetish

Think about it.

I was raised Catholic and was taught that masturbation is wrong. Can you believe that shit? Feeling bad about one of the greatest things about having opposable thumbs?! God damned organized religion. What’s next? Getting parents to cut off the tips of their son’s cocks because “god” said so? Ridiculous. Oh, wait. Circumcision.

Well, don’t listen to them, kids. Masturbate all you want. Oh, you’ll want to find appropriate places and times for it. I once worked with a guy in a restaurant. He got so horny one night that he went out on the patio while it was empty and started masturbating while looking at the hot women in the restaurant.

He didn’t think they could see him, or he didn’t care. Either way, someone saw him and he ran off before they called the police. I had to cover for him in the kitchen, the selfish bastard. Why he didn’t just go downstairs to the prep kitchen and jack-off into the pancake batter like the rest of us is beyond me.

For really pleasurable masturbation, use lube. Spit, olive oil, shampoo all work. But for the best results, go to the local drug store and buy some sex lube. Feels great. Some of them actually heat up. They cost a little more, but you’re worth it, buddy. Blow the wad. Then blow your wad.

The internet’s porn has certainly revolutionized how and where men masturbate. Can you imagine buying porn these days? Or actually having to leave the comfort of your home and go to a porn theatre to see something you can crank it out to? Jesus. Porn theatres are rapidly becoming things of the past, but there still is one in my neighborhood.

I wanted to see what they are like, since I had never needed to be in one. I went in and the movie had already started. It was pitch black. I mean PITCH black. I guess they keep it that dark so you can’t see the guy down the row pulling on his cock. Plus, the seats have really high backs. They go well past the top of your head. I realized that this is so the guy masturbating behind you can’t hit you in the back of your head when he cums.

Smart.

1. After his first day of college, Ray raced back to his dorm room. Seeing all those new, young women in their hot shorts and tight shirts made him crazy. He wasn’t in his computer chair for two minutes before he was zygote spraying all over himself.

2. Pee-Wee Herman loves zygote spraying in public. Poor guy lost everything because he got busted.

RELATED TERMS:

Erection

Masturbation

The zombie mask is not a technique that anyone should try with a long-term partner, or someone you care about. It is a special circumstances type of sex act, that usually either involves a lot of alcohol in a foreign country where you’ll never see each other again, or the payment of a large sum of money to a prostitute. If you attempt the zombie mask on a girlfriend, wife, or partner, you are bound to end up single. Or, even worse, they perform the zombie reversal, which is when the partner reacts instinctively out of anger, blindly biting your penis as they fly into a fit of rage on their knees.

The Zombie has only been around for a few years, being invented by the author and zombie fanatic, Max Brooks, who wrote The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead. Apparently, during the writing of this book, Max became so infatuated with zombies, particularly female zombies, that he developed a bit of a fetish. Naturally, even he had to admit that zombies didn’t actually exist, and that his ultimate fantasy of receiving a hummer from a brain-hungry, gaping-mouthed female zombie slut would never be achieved. Max went into a deep and dark depression at the realization of developing a sexual fetish that could never be quenched, locking himself in a cheap motel for months as he attempted to finish writing the book. One night, after hiring a hooker from the local bar to give him a blow job in his hotel room, Max had an epiphany as his hooker sat on her knees with his dick in her mouth. Moments later, when he was ready to cum, to the hooker’s surprise Max pulled his cock out at the last second and squirted directly into both of her eyes. The result was exactly what Max had hoped for; a zombie mask. The prostitute was so upset that he had to pay her double the rate for a regular blow job. From the on, the term gained popularity, especially among prostitutes who were willing to receive a zombie mask as long as their pay was doubled. Before long, prostitutes all across North America were finding extra ways to make the zombie experience a little more satisfying for zombie-fetishes. They doused themselves in white make-up to give the appearance of pale flesh and neglected to cover-up the herpes and meth sores on their faces, which luckily for them, looked a lot like the scabs and leprosy-like wounds on zombie’s faces.

As an off shoot, similar sex acts began to develop, such as the Cyclops, the one-eyed pirate, and the African Rhino, in which the male ejaculates all over the nose of their sexual partner, giving the appearance of a white horn.

1. When I gave my girlfriend a Zombie Mask, she didn’t get mad at all. Instead, she got rich by setting up an Ad on craigslist with a call out to Zombie-fetishers.

2. Leanne loved getting the Zombie Mask, but she had no idea that’s what it was called. She just liked getting defiled and degraded by men.

RELATED TERMS:

Cumshot

The Walrus