A man’s mistress is a woman that a man cheats on his wife with.
Let’s face it: men aren’t wired to be monogamous. It’s just institutions like the church, or society that makes men stay with one woman. In a completely natural world, men would go from woman to woman, spreading his seed far and wide. Unfortunately, it’s not a natural world. So, men have to have mistresses.
I can understand why a man would keep a mistress or two if he was married or in a long-term relationship with one woman. After you’ve fucked your woman for the thousandth time, she’s not going to have anything to surprise you with. You know all her hot spots and buttons, and she’s probably bored as shit with your tired old techniques. But a new woman will be thrilled with your techniques.
Obviously it’s tricky to keep a mistress. If your lady finds out about it, you’re in big trouble. And I’m not talking about her yelling at you and leaving you. I’m talking about her acting normal and waiting until you fall asleep. Then doing something terrible to your cock and balls. The best thing to do, if you’re going to have a mistress, is talk to your significant other first.
I know, you’re thinking that’s a stupid move. Well, hear me out.
You tell your wife that you want to start an outside sexual relationship with a mistress, but stay in the emotional relationship you have with her. She’ll be upset, but hopefully act like an adult. After all, you haven’t done anything wrong at this point. One of three things will happen.
One: she tells you that you don’t need a mistress because she’s going to spice up your sex lives with some renewed vigor. Win.
Two: she tells you that you can have a mistress as long as you stay committed to her in your emotional relationship. Win.
Three: she divorces your ass and takes half your stuff. But now you can fuck as many different women as you want with no worries. Win.
Honesty is the best policy, fellas. Now go get ‘em!
1. Even though Luis and Maria were married on Sesame Street, and they looked like they had a stable, monogamous relationship, Luis was unhappy with Maria’s frigidity. One the ring was on her finger, she was more interested in singing songs about reading with Big Bird than giving Luis some spicy Latina lovin’. So, he ended up taking Linda as his mistress. He didn’t care that she was deaf. Actually, he liked it because he would call her degrading names when he was fucking her doggy style, and she had no idea. All she knew was that he’d get extra vigorous when he was doing her from behind, and she loved it.
2. Presidents have gone downhill, in terms of their mistresses. Kennedy got to fuck Marilyn Monroe. Clinton had to bone Monica Lewinski. If the trend continues like this, I guess Obama’s mistress is the actress who plays the maid in “Two and a Half Men”.
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