Or, more than likely, you’re on the greyhound and you see a guy sitting next to his girlfriend. They’re hiding down behind the seats getting nice and close, but suddenly he stands up to use the washroom. As he passes by, you notice the giant cum stain splattered all over his zipper from the blowjob he was receiving, so you quietly mutter “XYZ” to give him the hint.

The only time you should NOT give someone the XYZ warning is if you think they were just having zipper sex. It’s usually pretty easy to tell, because the guy has so much dried vagina juice on his crotch that it looks like a bad bleach job in the laundry. If you give zipper sex enthusiasts the XYZ warning, it’s the equivalent of asking a player to wear a condom, or a dominatrix to ‘tone things down.’ It doesn’t go over well.

In the strange fetish world of acne-ridden European high school kids, XYZ has a completely different meaning. It stands for “Extinguish your zits,” and it is usually uttered by some freakishly perverse high school nerd-slut who gets off on popping guys’ pimples. It’s not so much a warning for the guy to squeeze those white heads, as it is a pick-up line from the woman, indicating that she wants it bad. Not surprisingly, in the world of zit fetishes, there is also a cumshot facial equivalent, known as a “looking in the mirror.” It was given the name because every teenager at some point in their life has stood in front of the bathroom mirror, trying desperately to pop that gigantic geyser of a pimple, when all of a sudden it explodes, leaving the mirror looking like a scene from Ghostbusters. Of course, if someone is said to be looking in the mirror, it actually refers to the girl or guy who is on their knees, receiving the load from the acne-ridden playboy they’re seducing. Yes, this is absolutely disgusting. But is it really any worse than a load of semen? At least zit-juice doesn’t come from inside your testicles. Unless, of course, you have a massively ingrown hair. Nerd-sluts go crazy for that shit.

1. When my father passed away, I never realized he was gone until I stood in front of his casket, noticed his fly was undone and whispered “XYZ.” When he didn’t react, it finally sunk in that he was gone.

2. Last time I gave a guy an XYZ warning, he thought I was gay and wanted some zipper sex. I should have realized that he was wearing button fly jeans.

RELATED TERMS:

Zipper Olympics 

Zipper Sex

If you’re ever worried you’re wasting your time on an x-legged woman, there are a few tell tale signs that can help you spot them at the bar. If you see a group of girls sitting at a table drinking shots of tequila, screaming things like ‘Giiiiiiiirls Niigght!!!” and “Girl, You don’t need him!!!” and you happen to notice that one of those girls is sitting in the corner with her arms folded, and an angry, menstrual frown on her face with a straw sticking out of a Caesar or a white wine spritzer, then that girl is your x-legged chastity belt. Even if she’s the hottest one at the table, don’t even bother trying. Just scope out the second hottest one at the table, and conveniently place yourself at the bar beside her the next time she goes to get another round of shots. Do the gentlemanly thing, and offer to pour the salt on her wrist for her. She’ll be sucking on your lemons before last call.

Unfortunately, the temptation to try to unlock the vaulted vagina of an x-legged woman is very strong. We all know that more often than not, an x-legged woman is a total starfish in bed anyway. The reason they don’t want to have sex is because they’re so inhibited in bed that they’ve never actually enjoyed it. However, there is always that one exception. That girl who is so sexually perverse and twisted inside her head, that she has forced herself to remain celibate her entire life because she’s ashamed of how dirty her mind really is. She’s terrified that if she ever unleashed her sexual fury, she’d turn horny, virile men into weeping little boys. Ironically, that’s what we all really want in the end anyway.

So, many of us will try time and time again to pry open the legs of an x-legged girl, desperately hoping that we’re chiseling away at a Pandora’s Box of unbridled debauchery, when in reality we’re probably knocking on a giant, cement door that’s locking up nothing more than a dusty room filled with cobwebs and cold dampness.

1. Uncle Herb had a theory that all women were x-legged before the invention of alcohol and porno. Then again, Uncle Herb only slept with drunk pornstars, and he was broke because of it.

2. Unless you look like Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp, it isn’t really worth the effort to try and unlock an x-legged woman. You’ll just end up in the ER with plums the size of eggplants.

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Frigid

Uptown Girl

The X frame allows the one wearing the apparatus to be easily moved around, however the dominant partner deems fit. It can control the main weight of the body while leaving the appendages free to move (if they are not also restrained).

The X frame can also be used to tie arms and legs to the body. A very common use for this is creating a pretzel by crossing the legs, equipped with ankle straps, to the front or back of the X frame. This position makes anal sex or cowgirl sex (with the man being strapped up) extremely easy.

The stability of the X frame is also great for fastening one person to another. Say you’d like to keep the kink going and strap yourself to your partner for an extended period of time. If you both are wearing the X frame, use the loop on the back of one and tie it to the front of the other. Bam! You’re connected and are at the perfect penetration position – especially bent over.

An X frame is the most important piece in your bondage and S&M collection. Be sure to purchase a quality piece from a reputable source to ensure the longevity of your freaky fun!

1. I undressed that chick last night and she was wearing an X frame under her blouse! Hot.

2. I had a shitty X frame and it broke while I was tied to the ceiling. A fractured wrist and shinbone later – I’m buying quality now!

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Bondage

S&M

Being incapable of having an orgasm is not the same as impotence. In fact, it’s much much worse. If you are impotent, you do not get an erection at all, and therefore you are not sexually stimulated to such a high degree. It’s a bit like being paralyzed below the waist. You don’t feel it, so you don’t know what you are missing.

Xeronisus is far worse. Here, you are completely capable and eager to perform in sexual activities and penetration, and you achieve a perfectly healthy erection. However, no matter how hard you try, you cannot ejaculate. There are numerous accounts of video’s filmed be sexperts and scientists who were trying to cure this condition for one particular male. In these videos, they tried everything. They got the hottest blonde prostitute they could find, and she did everything imaginable to try and make him cum, from deep throating and anal sex, to sitting on his face while her three hot friends played with his balls and rode him reverse cowgirl style. They even introduced midgets, gay men, wrestling matches, sodomy, ball stomping, food crushing, and fecal matter into the mix, but still the man was unable to ejaculate. It was a bit like watching a mentally handicapped child trying to play basketball. The physical body is there; they have the limbs and proper digits to hold the basketball and throw it in the air, but for some reason, no matter how hard they try, the ball just falls out of their hands as they push their body toward the net and fall flat on their face on the asphalt.

Finally, after 150 hours of filming, sexual stimulation, and various role-plays and toys, the crew of scientists and sex therapists gave up. The man, not surprisingly, committed suicide that very night. The actual cause of death and method of suicide was never released to the public, but it was rumored that he wanted to feel that testicular release so bad that he lopped off both of his balls, drained them into his bathroom sink, and inevitably bled to death. According to rumors, when the paramedics found him, he had the biggest smile on his face that they had even seen on a dead body.

1. If you think you might be suffering from Xeronisus, just watch any blowjob scene from Sasha Grey, and you’ll have your answer.

2. When Sarah was a teenager she thought she had Xeronisus, but it turns out all her boyfriends were just really bad in bed.

RELATED TERMS:

Anorgasmic

Orgasm             

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X-dresser is a common abbreviation used for people who like to cross-dress, which essentially just means they enjoy wearing the clothes and garments commonly worn by the opposite sex.

In today’s world of fashion, there are so many different variations of cross-dressing that it is a difficult term to define or label. For example, many men who are dressed in typically masculine clothes are secretly wearing their wives panties underneath. Similarly, a lot of women for some reason enjoy wearing boxers, which are extremely unflattering and should not be encouraged.

It is believed that the desire to cross-dress stems from a deep-seeded desire to physically be the opposite member of sex. Of course, this theory has some weaknesses. For example, many men simply wear women’s clothes for fetish reasons, because their partners want them to, and reward them handsomely with some incredible blowjobs. Also, a lot of women enjoy wearing men’s clothes for the same reason they like playing field hockey, rugby, and badminton; because they are lesbians.

Whatever the reason for x-dressing, as long as it fits, you’re going to be widely accepted by most people, unless you live in the country. If you’re from a rural area, you’d better be hiding those Adam’s apples or breasts, and you’d better look damn convincing.

1. When Karl was a kid, he thought he was an x-dresser. Really, he just liked sneaking a few of his Dad’s beers and trying on his Mother’s bathing suit in the mirror.

2. If you want to become an x-dresser, make sure you’re not one of those people who wear it to work and expect to be able to use the opposite sex’s bathroom. If you’re pre-op, you don’t get a backstage pass.

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Shemale

Tranny      

When X-rated first came out in America, it was mostly used for violent films, films with coarse language, and anything that bordered on communism. However, by the 1970’s, when pornography was becoming more acceptable, a lot of porn films started slapping the X-rated label on their films. Soon enough, American movie theaters began to associate all X-rated films with pornography and refused to play them in their theaters, even if it was just a violent film. As a result, the R-rated system was created, that way someone who wanted to see Leathal Weapon 4, didn’t end up accidentally seeing Leathal Weapon 12.5: Half an inch to Hell.

The distinguishing factor between an X-rated and R-rated film usually has to do with two factors; use of body parts, and the presence of bodily fluids. The use of body parts has to do with how that body part is revealed, but also the purpose or function it serves in the film. For example, if a female takes a shower, and for a brief moment as she wraps that towel around her body we get a glimpse of her supple, gleaming white breasts, but there is no further nudity or sexual content, then it is rated R. Even if a serial killer comes out from behind the door and rapes her, as long as we don’t see her boobs again, or any further nudity or sexual penetration, then it’s simply an R-rated film. If, however, the girl starts rubbing Vaseline or hand cream all over her tits, and eventually invites the serial killer to join in and help her reach her back with the cream, then it would most likely venture into an X-rated film.

In regards to bodily fluids, the rating system has a lot to do with how much fluid is present, and how it is extracted. It is important to note that bodily fluid can refer to urine, semen, vaginal discharge, liquid shit, or blood. For example, In Something about Mary, Ben Stiller is seen masturbating in the washroom before his big date, but they do not show his actual penis. They simply show him hunched over the bathroom sink making an O face when he cums. Of course, he loses his ejaculate and the viewers later discover that it is stuck in his hair. Now, even though we actually see the cum, it is still only an R-rated film because we did not see the cum in a sexually explicit situation or manner. If, however, we had seen Ben Stiller blow a load all over his own head (which is impossible and retarded, like most of the movie), then it would have been an X-rated film. Similarly, if Cameron Diaz had received a vigorous cumshot facial from Ben Stiller, instead of just mistaking it for hair gel and rubbing it into her own scalp, then it would have definitely been rated X.

1. When Uncle Herb told the Baby Sitter she could watch an X-rated film with the kids, he had no idea she meant Sash Grey’s Anal Acrobats!

2. If a film in Germany manages to get an X-rated label, then it must be some hardcore shit. I once saw double penetration in a PG film in Berlin!

RELATED TERMS:

Porn

XXX         

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XXX is a popular label used on films to identify that it is a pornographic film, and contains explicitly sexual content. In the 1950’s in America, the X-rated label was developed to indicate that a film had explicit sexual and/or violent content. However, in the 1970’s, as pornography started booming and becoming more widely accepted, the porno industry began adding more X’s to their label for bragging rights, trying to tell potential viewers that their particular film was much more hardcore than a simple x-rated movie.

It started off with a double XX, which usually meant the film was sexually stimulating and contained penetration, but was nowhere near the hideousness of something like 2 Girls 1 Cup, or Brazilian fart porn. Before long, a third XXX was added, meant to warn/entice the viewers that their 1950’s notions of what sex is, were about to get blown out of the water. The first triple XXX films started showing babysitters getting plowed by the father AND the mother of the child she was babysitting, a common fetish for adult males between the 1950’s and 1980’s. Some of these films in the later part of the 1970’s, showed young female hippies getting bent over the back of a VW and penetrated from behind by an angry, aggressive police officer. Further still, the XXX films of the 1980’s often showed those infamous Ronald Reagan masks being adorned by muscular beefcakes who were busy getting even on their War on Drugs, throat fucking a heroine addict in an alleyway, or forcing two crack head sluts to sodomize each other with their crack pipe. This was perhaps the most popular XXX films ever got. As it turns out, American viewers also had a vendetta against drug users and hippies, because Reagan related porn in the 1980’s brought in a gross capitol of 1.2 million dollars by the end of the decade.

Today, XXX doesn’t really mean anything. Sure, it’s now officially recognized by the American Film Board and Censorship Boards as a legitimate label and film rating system, but to most viewers, if it doesn’t have a minimum of 3 X’s, then it’s not even worth watching anyway. Triple X films today can include snuff films where people actually get murdered, bestiality porn where a women gets raped by a pig (c’mon, we’ve all seen that video), or even more controversial, the infamous gang rape scenario where a young impressionable blond gets throat fucked by 9 dudes at the same time, insisting that she enjoys every minute of it (really? you enjoyed that? You had a puddle of tears bigger than the giant pile of cum and drool dripping from your chin).

Whatever the content, as long as it’s sexual, violent, or a combination of the two, it’ll have three large X’s slapped on the cover. Until we come up with a new rating system, or an even more hardcore type of porn, XXX is the only way to go.

1. When I was a kid, my Dad used to buy XXX movies and always hid them in a brown paper bag. One day I snuck into his office and found them. I don’t remember what they were about, but I know there were a lot of beards covered in white sticky stuff.

2. If a film isn’t rated with XXX, then it’s not really worth watching. Unless it’s a Snuff film. Sometimes those don’t even have ratings.

RELATED TERMS:

Porn

X-rated