“Gee officer, do you really have to give me that ticket? I didn’t realize how fast I was going. I’ll have sex with you if it gets me out of having to pay $500 for driving 60 miles over the speed limit while texting my mother.”

The East Rutherford Women’s swim team reporting for duty. They’re lean, they’re mean and they dominate the girl on girl events.

“Excuse me, are these the free HD porn auditions? I’m here to meet my friend Tera Patrick. Have you seen her?”

Ebony and Ivory are making the world a better place, one girl on girl in the ocean video at a time.

“Do you guys like my hair. I totes crimped it today. Trying to go for that Coyote Ugly look, you know, like in the movie. Not the one with Piper Perabo, the free HD porn version, the XXX one.”

It’s been a bumpy road for Santorum anyway. First of all, the guy’s mental. Not like, oh look at my friend Tony, he’s mental because he just slammed an entire bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. Santorum’s more like the kind of mental you stay away from. He’s the uncle everyone has that spends Thanksgiving dinner telling you how you’re committing a huge sin by dating a black chick then gets blind drunk and falls asleep with his hands on his crotch, dreaming of free HD porn. He probably lets out a fart or two that smell worse than a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and you and your dad have the unholy mission of waking him up before he wets himself. Fists are thrown, usually after you take away his keys and insist that he not drive home because of the entire box of wine he consumed. So yeah, Santorum is mental, which is why Vivid Entertainment’s Steven Hirsch told Politico that Rick is “bad for the country” and that people “are more comfortable with sexually explicit material than before”. He’s right. Everyone loves porn. Especially porn from Vivid.

The Vivid co-founder and chairman continued with, “this country has some bigger problems that they have to deal with than whether or not someone’s watching an adult film on their computer”. He’s right again, I mean we’ve got more important things to worry about as a country than people watching free HD porn, like the Albert Pujols contract. If we people want to watch sex movies, who cares? If Albert Pujols doesn’t hit, it’s a huge deal. Wait, what are we talking about? Oh yeah, Santorum. Hirsch went on to say that Rick’s claims that the porn industry hurts women were completely false. “The girls run the industry, they’re the ones that make all the decisions,” Vivid Entertainment’s head honcho said. He’s right yet again, because if you think Lexi Marie is letting people tell her what to do, you are sadly mistaken.

As Pennsylvania’s favorite pain-in-the-ass Senator prepares to do whatever he does when he’s not running for president, (play with his jiggly ball maybe?), Hirsch is relishing in Rick’s decision to suspend his campaign. With Santorum’s exit from the presidential race the XXX industry can rest easy for the time being until Mitt Romney decides it’s time to take on Vivid and the rest of the free HD porn makers.

Before you grab your woman and run to the stairs, make sure no one’s around. It’s hard to stay hard when you’re scared someone’s going to catch you tossing a fuck into your girlfriend’s glove. Once you’ve found an empty stairwell and you’re positive no one’s going to interrupt your trying to replicate the moves you’ve seen in the free HD porn on Orgasm.com, then by all means, get busy.

There are two recommended stair sex positions. The first one I’m calling “The Larry Sanders Show” for no other reason than I’m a huge fan of Garry Shandling and because with this position it’s like you’re facing an audience. Sit on the stairs facing away from them and have your chick mount you. You’ll have a nice view of her back. Hopefully she doesn’t have bacne. Gross. The second position I’m calling the  ”XXX Snake Plissken”. I just really like the idea of Kurt Russell wearing an eyepatch and assume that every time he does some free HD porn moves they’re in a stairwell with someone he’s met during his escape from NY or LA. Right, moving on. Get your woman to position herself one step up from you with her calves resting around your thighs. Have one of your legs a few stairs down for leverage and start thrusting! This position really gets the Adrenalynn going.

I tried to find a picture of the second position, “XXX Snake Plissken”, but no luck. Instead, please enjoy  this girl on girl photo of two hotties being naughty on the stairs. I believe this is taking place in a house somewhere between Niffkin’s Bridge and Sacramento.

You’ve seen Hannah West before. Actually, you may not recognize her face but you know her feet. You see, Hannah didn’t want to get typecast so she decided to make herself stand out in the XXX industry with a nice little fetish clip where she uses her feet to get nasty.

Hannah West has tiny tits but don’t hold that against her. Maybe if you’re lucky, one day she’ll hold them against you while you have sex. Big tits are overrated anyway. Free HD porn is full of them, it’s a nice change to see some mini boobs.

Besides her fetish foot film, this porn star has done anal, regular vaginal sex, dildo work, gonzo, POV and oral. She’s had her holes stuffed with anything and everything. I doubt she’s ever been the recipient of a glass bottom boat but she’s young and there’s still time. You know how those Auburn chicks get, especially on game day. Just mention Ralph “Shug” Jordan and they get lady-wood.

Lydia looked like Emy Reyes and she gave me wet dreams for years. It’s like she didn’t know how hot she was so she’d wear baggy T-shirts. Thankfully, her tits were ginormous so we could still make them out through her Oakland Raiders shirts. My sex dreams were populated by her. And this is before I had ever seen any porn! Bear in mind, that this is way before free HD porn existed so my sex dreams consisted of Lydia having what I thought was an orgasm and yelling “Touchdown!” as she came. The last time I saw Lydia I was 12. After that I was allowed to stay home alone and didn’t need someone to look after me.

I would give anything to know where Lydia is. I did look her up on Facebook. Do you know how many hot Latina chicks are named Lydia Alvarez? All of them! Her last name might not even be Alvarez anymore. She could’ve gotten married. She could be dead. I hope she’s not dead. How can I dream of having sex with her if she’s dead? I could but that’s pretty weird.

A buddy of mine claims he fucked his babysitter growing up. He also claims he’s related to Jack Kerouac, so I take everything he says with a grain of salt. He’s kind of a giant dillhole too. Anyway, how cool would it be to have sex with your old babysitter? You’d run into her at the supermarket and invite her back to your place to reminisce about how she used to help you with your homework. The next thing you know you’re watching free HD porn together and banging. Then she yells “Touchdown!” while she has an orgasm.

Joanna Angel has a Bachelor of Arts in English Literature with a minor in Film Studies from Rutgers University. She has won 7 AVN Awards. She likes to make free HD porn for all to see. What more do you need? Look at her tits.

Here’s some juicy Joanna Angel tidbits:

-She used to write a monthly XXX sex advice column for Spin magazine.

-In high school she worked at a Kosher fast food restaurant, where she probably served plenty Kosher dill pickles.

-She made a cameo on the Adult Swim show Children’s Hospital where she played a porn star.

-She’s a practicing Jew which makes her a total JILF (Jew I’d Like To Fuck). Oy vey!

St. Elmo’s Fire – “A group of friends, just out of college, struggle with adulthood. Their main problem is that they’re all self-centered and obnoxious.”

Now with the wave of my XXX magic wand, it becomes pornofied!

St. Elmo’s Pussy – A group of friends, just out of college, struggle to find the time to get together for a gangbang. Luckily Wendy Beamish let’s Billy Hicks shoot his load all over her tits.

Boyz In The Hood – “Once upon a time in South Central LA…it ain’t no fairy tale. Increase the peace.”

And with the waive of my magic wand John Singleton’s saga about a group of friends growing up in the ghetto becomes almost as dirty as the free HD porn Orgasm.com supplies you with.

Pussy In The Hood – Once upon a time in South Central LA Tre Styles gives it Brandi while Ricky scores a 710 on his SATs but gets shot before he can attend USC.

Forrest Gump – “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”

I waive my XXX wand all over Jenny’s tits and we turn her into Jazy Berlin. Now we have the super sex version of Tom Hanks’ Oscar winning performance of a guy who is a little slow but somehow manages to do a ton of crap like inspire John Lennon to write “Imagine”, expose the Watergate scandal and play for the University of Alabama under the legendary Bear Bryant where he gets to sit out on the two-minute drill workouts.

Pussy Gump - Life is like a box of free HD porn. You never know who you’re going to fuck after playing ping pong for the US Army team. Cum Forrest, cum!

Top Gun – “I feel the need, the need for speed.”

Before I waive my XXX wand and turn one of the greatest bromance films of all time into a free HD porn experience, let me get this out of the way: To this day, whenever I hear “Playing with the Boys” by Kenny Loggins I think about volleyball. I don’t think about Maverick’s glistening body or anything, it’s more like “Oh man, Val Kilmer didn’t used to be fat.” Okay here it is, Top Gun the sex version.

Top Pussy - I feel the need, the need for pussy at all times. Seriously Goose, you’re supposed to be my wingman. Go find me some babes to bang before I become a Scientologist and marry that chick from Dawson’s Creek. Take my breath away with some hot pussy before the gay rumors start flying and I jump up and down on Oprah’s couch.

The most important thing about having good anal sex is lube. Seriously guys, lube up like your dick is about to compete in a Greco-Roman wrestling match. You should also wear a condom because STIs are easily transmitted through butt fucking. In free HD porn condoms aren’t always worn but you’re sticking your dick into someone’s shitter and it’s better to be safe than sorry. To recap, wear a condom and throw some extra lube on.

Relax your woman. If she’s not comfortable, her ass won’t be and it’ll hurt her. It might even hurt your dick and nobody wants that. Put on some sexy music. My go-to is Marilyn Manson’s Antichrist Superstar. I kid! Unless I’m getting busy with a goth chick, I’m keeping it really smooth with R. Kelly or Ginuwine. Throw on some XXX R&B and tell your lady she’s beautiful. Tell her you love her if you have to. It’ll make her feel special before you slip your dick into her back door and tear that ass up like she’s a porn star.

Before we go on, perhaps you’d like a reminder of why you want to talk your girl into anal in the first place. Here it is: free anal porn videos on Orgasm. Go ahead, watch a few of them. Then come running back so I can tell you how to get some of that yourself!

So where was I? Oh yes, telling your girl you love her. You know what else might help? Diamonds. Don’t say we never told you nothin’. Chicks love diamonds, and we’ve seen more than one open her asshole up to accommodate cock once you give her one. Lest we forget, the cheaper option might just be hiring an escort, many of whom will charge extra, but will use their ass to fuck your cock until you’re milked of every last drop of cum.

Tribbing is also known as scissoring, clam jousting, clit humping, taco bumping,  pussy rubbing, vag grinding and tribadism. It is a non-penatrive form of sex that occurs when a woman rubs her vulva against her partner’s body (sometimes clit to clit if the chicks are flexible) for stimulation. It is derived from the Greek word tribein which means rub. In other news, once I banged a Greek chick named Roula or Toula. It was in college. She was a friend of a friend of a friend. She also had a ginormous ass. Whenever I eat souvlaki I’m reminded of the short XXX time that Roula or Toula and I spent together. Moving on. Below you’ll find two beautiful women engaged in some girl on girl action. I assume it went down like this:

Pamela and Barbara live in Green Bay, Wisconsin. They are employed by the Carr Valley Cheese Company where Barb is a shift supervisor and Pam is a sales rep. One day after work, Pam invites Barb over to her place to watch a Packers game. Both get turned on by Aaron Rodgers completing 89% of his passes.

Pam: Oh gee Barb, I sure am feeling fired up. That Aaron Rodgers is such a great football player.

Barb: Oh ya, he sure is. I’m feeling fired up myself. Why don’t we take our clothes off and mutually masturbate?

Pam: That sounds terrific.

The next set of tribbing ladies are named Sophie (because I like Sophie Moon) and Debra (because once I had a dream I was putting a fuck into Debra Messing and then halfway through she turned into Johnny Cash. I woke up and wondered if I was gay but then I realized that probably confirms that I’m not because who is more manly than the Man in Black?). Right. Okay. Sophie and Debra meet one day at the Crossgates Mall in Albany. Debra (20 years old) works at Taco Bell in the food court. On her break she goes to Hot Topic to purchase a shirt for her boyfriend. She can’t remember if his favorite band is H2O or Juliette Lewis and the Licks so she asks the sales girl to help. Sophie (also 20) assists Debra in choosing the perfect shirt for her boyfriend and the two get to talking. It turns out they’re both in the same Probability and Statistics class at Sienna College and Sophie offers to help Debra study for the midterm. After they’re both done their shifts at Crossgates they retire to Debra’s parents basement to study. Debra’s parents are upstairs but they rarely come down to the basement because they’re preoccupied with their collection of fine Capital Region wines. Things progress nicely and the girls end up quietly scissoring instead of learning. Sex always trumps stats.

Our last girl on girl photograph tells the story of Cassie and her BFF Renalda. They’ve been inseparable since the 8th grade when they met at a Hole concert. This was in 90s when Kurt Cobain had just left us and Courtney Love was off her rocker. Not to be confused with now when Courtney Love is still off her rocker. We find Cassie and Renalda years later. Renalda has married an investment banker named Carl who has accepted a promotion that will move him and his bride from Erie where she grew up to King of Prussia (these are places in Pennsylvania). The ladies part ways for a few months until Renalda invites Cassie to her new home in King of Prussia. She promises shopping excursions in the glamorous neighboring city of Philadelphia and that the two will have a great time. When Cassie arrives the BFFs immediately take to Interstate 78 and embark on a shopping journey through the Streets of Philadelphia (Bruce Springsteen reference!). Renalda buys some lingerie to wear the next time her and Carl get physical. When they arrive back at Renalda’s, Cassie insists that Rennie (a nickmane Cassie bestowed upon her BFF almost 16 years ago) model her newly purchased lingerie. Wine is opened, lingerie is modeled. Carl comes home from work to find his wife and her BFF having sex on the floor.

“Why are you both so shiny?” Carl asks, confused yet aroused

“It’s baby oil, dear.” Renalda pants while rubbing her pussy against Cassie’s.

Carl takes out his iPhone and stars filming the XXX scene unfolding before him.

Man, I hope that’s not alcohol in her glass.

Before you and your ladyfriend get busy, warm up with some free HD porn. It’ll get you both in the mood and you can even watch pregnant sex videos to reassure your woman that it won’t hurt the baby. My research tells me there’s nothing to worry about it. If you look at any free HD porn clip that features pregnant chicks getting banged you’ll see that they can fuck pretty hard without any consequences.

There are three fuck positions recommended for pregnant women, especially if they’d like to achieve orgasm. Did I mention that pregnant women have giant breasts? No? How silly of me! They do. Although these sex positions are more to make her feel comfortable, you’ll have access to her mega boobs in each one.

1. Woman on top – Your ladyfriend might feel self-conscious about her bulging belly. Remind her that you won’t be looking at that, you’ll be staring at her big tits the whole time.

2. Spooning – Your woman might not have the energy to be on top. Spooning is a great way to make her cum and give you a chance to hold on to her big tits for leverage. She’ll think you’re the perfect gentleman for doing all the work.

3. Hands and knees – This position doesn’t put pressure on the abdomen and still gives you enough room to reach those big tits. Warning, this position should only be done during the first two trimesters. Some women find that their belly might be too big near the end of the pregnancy causing her severe discomfort.

For the record, if I had to have pregnant sex with anyone it would be Olivia Del Rio. I’m not saying she’s pregnant but if she ever wants to get knocked up by an employee of the best free HD porn site on the internet she should call me and not Jeff Powell.